Saturday, May 27, 2006

Lucky Break

Out on one of our early dates, my husband asked me how can it be that a woman like me(wonderful wonderful me) is still single? I told him I'm not lucky with men. He said no problem, this is your lucky break.

Well he certainly isn't modest about it but I have to admit that it's true. He IS my lucky break. And I'd more or less given up on ever having a change of luck with men.

And I started early. I was about 15 when I developed a monumental crush on my cousin. Let's call him M. He was 31 & worked for the foreign ministry in Morocco so he travelled a lot. Most of the time when we'd be home in Casa for holidays he'd be away. Didn't get to see him that often. But I'd hear so much about him. Everyone agreed that he was the best looking guy in the family. They would talk about how smart & successful he was, how many languages he was fluent in, what a gentleman, how he'd helped so many people etc.....Everyone loved him. My grandfather - who I loved very much - was so proud of my cousin & was always praying for him. And at 15 years old you had all the makings of a severe case of hero-worship.

Looking back I can laugh at myself but in those days I can tell you it was not funny. To fancy yourself in love with a man you saw once a year for about a month if you were lucky & who persisted in treating you like a little sister who was a bit of a pest was painful. I cried many tears over his lack of attention & wrote many pages in my diary. Everytime he'd have a girlfriend I'd feel betrayed, unwanted. I even went through a phase of going Arab & tribal & getting really angry thinking how dare she? He's MY cousin. He's mine. I thought those girls were trespassing on my territory. Never mind that the truth was that they were his gfs & therefore I was trespassing. 'Course I wouldn't see it that way. I was an ARAB for Heaven's sake. What was the point in being an Arab if you can't marry your cousin? Haven't Arabs been marrying their cousins since times immemorial? It's frustrating that just when you've finally found a tradition you can actually live with people stop observing it & suddenly go all MODERN on you! I mean who wanted modern at a time like that? I mean yuck! Not that I had no competition within the family. Lots of girls in my family were crazy about him. But since my crush lasted longer than theirs & was clearly the most violent one they more or less conceded that I could have him if I could get him.

The worst part was that he spoilt me for guys my age. I mean compared to him they all seemed such children. He was so mature & accomplished & cultured. How could a bunch of pimpled 15-yr-old boys who wanted to take me to a movie & Burger King possibly compare?

And it kept getting worse & worse. I'd spend the entire year looking forward to the summer & mid-year holidays so I can see him. Every summer my friends & I would cook up elaborate schemes to make him compromise me so he'd have to marry me to save the family honor. Most of them never came to anything. Except once.

It was the summer after 11th grade. I was staying in my grandfather's house with a bunch of girlfriends I'd brought with me from UAE. My grandfather had been in the hospital & was still recuperating. My aunts who lived with him were pretty old themselves & none of them could drive. Added to which none of them was strong enough to carry my grandfather who was a pretty big man if he needed help. So my cousins would take turns sleeping over for a few days. And then it was M's turn. He was home on holiday & had a few days on his hands. I was over the moon. For the first time me & him would be staying in the same house. I'd get to spend more time with him. I mean 3 whole days & nights. I was sure I could make him love me. You couldn't convince me otherwise.

He spent most of the first day with me & my friends & seemed to enjoy himself. He was so sweet & funny. All my friends liked him. In the evening my friends forced me to go out. They said I might be a native but they were tourists & it was their first time in Casa & they weren't going to spend it sitting watching me worship my cousin. We invited him to come along but he said he couldn't leave my grandfather. So he gave us a lift to the city center & went home. I was on edge the whole time & was probably the worst tourguide EVER. I felt I was wasting my precious time with him.

When we got home he'd already had dinner & was locked up in his room working. I felt worse. We stayed up pretty late but he didn't come out. And in the end we went up to my room where I cried myself to sleep. One of my friends - a Belgian who I guess wasn't very familiar with our culture - took the making him compromise me thing too seriously & decided to help me out. M got up early in the morning to take my grandfather for a hospital appointment. So she got the bright idea of leaving a piece of my underwear lying on the floor in his room - so that when my aunt came in to clean she would find it & think he'd compromised me.

It's a good thing my aunt didn't find it. The poor woman would have had a heart attack. He found it. When I got up my friend had gone to sleep along with the rest of them so I didn't know about what she'd been up to. He'd left a message with the maid that when I was awake he wanted to talk to me. I found him in the garden. Imagine my shock when he took it out of his pocket & asked me if this was mine! All I could do was splutter that I didn't understand. When he told me he found it in his room I said you're lying. He said he wished he was & he asked do you know what would have happened if one of the maids had found it & given it to my aunt or if she herself had found it? I was too humiliated to talk any further so I just grabbed it out of his hand & went running to my room. I'd guessed it must have been one of the girls so I shook them all awake & when she admitted it I wanted to STRANGLE her!

I spent the rest of the time hiding from him. And he avoided me & my friends like the plague. I didn't see him at all until he left. And a couple of weeks later I was back in UAE - still very shaken & embarrassed but still very much in love with him. I thought my heart was broken, my pride was dust & I would never recover. I still cringe when I read the diary entries for that period.

He called about a month later from Spain. I broke out in a cold sweat when Mama came & told me he was on the phone & wanted to talk to me. He told me he still didn't understand what happened. So I told him that a friend thought she was helping me. And he said helping you with what? So I started crying & blurted everything out. He was being very sweet & understanding I couldn't help it. But God how that conversation hurt. Of course he said you're 17 years old, you'll grow out of it, you're like my sister. That was a blow to hear him spell out the fact that he wasn't interested in me at all. Then I got a lecture about how he wouldn't think anything bad about me because he's my cousin but that I should be careful & not behave like that with other men & that I should make sure my friends understand the culture before they get involved in my life etc...I wanted to SCREAM but I want you to think something bad about me you idiot, I LOVE you & all you can think about is the stupid family honor!

It wasn't the end of the story either. It went on for YEARS more. Actually I think the incident - once I got over the initial embarrassment - made me more daring. I didn't have to worry about being embarrassed anymore because how could it possibly get any worse? And I found his attitude provocative. I became even more determined to 'get' him. It became a challenge. Of course I never tried anything as crude as what my friend did again. That would have got me into serious trouble. Besides even then I had enough presence of mind to see that I didn't want any man to marry me because he was forced to by some misplaced sense of chivalry or family pressure. That wouldn't have been much of a marriage. No I wanted him to love me as much as I loved him. And once my feelings for him were out in the open well I didn't have to bother with subtlety anymore did I?

But NOTHING would make him budge. I was stupid to think he'd ever compromise me. I mean the man was made of stone. Sometimes I'd want to scream what are you gay or something?

It didn't actually stop until I was about 20. By then I was in college in the US & I had another target. It was strange that after years of 'loving' my cousin I woke up one morning & realized I hadn't even thought of him once in months. I guess the saying that the fastest way to forget one man is to fall for another man is true. But that's another story.

Labels:

15 Comments:

Blogger Safiya said...

Teenage girls are strange obsessive creatures. If we could put all the endless energy we used obsessing over guys into worldly matters, most of the world's problems could be solved!

That is so funny about your friend and the knickers though. I hope she picked a nice pair.

5/27/2006 06:26:00 PM  
Blogger roora said...

sjthat was fun to read.. abd you kepy liking him all that long :)

I agree with you in the last part , sometimes you ger over some one by liking somebody else

5/28/2006 01:13:00 AM  
Blogger programmer craig said...

I don't have much input as I was never a teenage girl, but it was a really interesting read, LouLou. Guys have crushes too but maybe not quite the same way :)

Roora,

I agree with you in the last part , sometimes you ger over some one by liking somebody else

Yes, but only sometimes. Sometimes you meet somebody else, but you're still hung up on your "lost love" and that's the worst of all.

5/28/2006 02:11:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Safiya,

She picked my favorite pair.:) What an airhead!

Roora,

"sjthat was fun to read.. abd you kepy liking him all that long :)"

Yes I am nothing if not persistent. Poor guy. He was begging for mercy saying please you're my cousin & you're a child, I can't do anything, they'll kill me etc....And it just made me more determined to prove am not a child.:)

He was very patient actually. When my ex & I broke up, my cousin called & told me he was sorry, that am a lovely girl & it was my fiance's loss. And I told him well you didn't think so. And he laughed & said 7abibti am an old man, I can't handle you & inti you need someone your age. By that time he was married & the old story had become a joke.

Craig,

"Guys have crushes too but maybe not quite the same way :)"

How were your crushes different? Less obssessive? I think a guy probably couldn't get away with being that obssessive. Most girls would accuse him of being a stalker & have him arrested or something no?

5/28/2006 09:30:00 AM  
Blogger Crazy Girl said...

you know my a couple a weeks ago y friends were telling me that I need to be in love with someone else thats the only way I will get my ex out of my system. I don't know why but maybe it is easier to forget someone when you have something better!

I love reading your blog and the way you talk about them..Plus its nice to read again!

5/28/2006 09:10:00 PM  
Blogger tooners said...

beautiful love story. you should write a book. :) i would read it.

and craig.. i'm interested too... how are guys different... is it that they never get over the lost love?

sometimes, i think, when you love someone so much... nothing will ever make it better.

5/29/2006 11:36:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

tooners,

I don't think you can really call this love. It was a pretty intense phsyical attraction together with the hero-worship. But I never had a real connection with my cousin. We weren't close at all. Never got a chance to be. Time & distance & his unwillingness made it impossible.

I loved him because of the aura, because everyone else loved him. One of my commentators a few posts back told me your type is everyone's type. In a way she's right. That was a pattern with me. I was always attracted to the star, the guy who was the center of attention. I don't know if it was the challenge of getting 'the best' or just that I didn't trust myself enough to make my own choice & needed everyone to confirm it for me by also liking the guy.

Added to which despite the apparent obssessiveness & the fact that I always tried too hard with the guys who became my 'targets', I was an intimacy-phobiac. I had problems letting anyone get too close emotionally. I was pretty messed up really.

It wasn't until after the experience with my ex that I woke up. My ex was very skilled at making himself popular, telling people what they want to hear etc...The charisma & the popularity were what attracted me. Again. And we all know how that turned out.

My ex was the one who cured me of that. I stopped being such a groupie & learnt to look deeper. In the years after we broke up I came to know myself & my needs a bit better. So when I met my husband I was ready to build something substantial. And more important I was ready to share enough to sustain the relationship. I don't think I was before. Not with that mindset.

That's one reason I always find early marriages so baffling. I mean it takes so long to grow up & figure out what you want so how can anyone risk making a commitment early?


Yasmina

Nice to see you up & about the blogosphere.:)

Yes I definitely think you need a new love to get over your ex. From the sound of your ex, it should be easy to find something better.

5/29/2006 01:03:00 PM  
Blogger KareemFromEgypt said...

wow, flashback


i had a crush on my cousin's best friend/ my classmate for 5 years. from grade 7 till the end of grade 11, and the quote from "there's something about mary" that says "crushes don't last for 13 years" really connected with my feelings as i was ending grade 11 when i saw the movie, and tragically the only chance i might have ever had with her (when she was single and willing) was when i was already over her and in love with my first love at the time(life's a bitch)


but there was indeed SOMETHING about her, i never met a single guy OR girl who wasn't overly impressed by her

hope i made any sense at all

5/29/2006 11:14:00 PM  
Blogger Maxxed`ouT said...

I had a couple of cousins and sister's friends developing crushes on me .
I never took them seriously ...
Your post made me feel bad ... now that i sort of know what they might have been goin' thru ...
They were never that intense tho ... well .. at least i dun think they were !

5/30/2006 01:20:00 AM  
Blogger programmer craig said...

There's nothing mysterious about the way guys get crushes. It's pretty much the same only guys would never tell anyone they have a crush. So they don't plot and scheme the way LouLou describes :)

Guys tend to make fools of themsleves around girls they have a crush on. I broke my wrist once, falling off a roof, when I was trying to impress a girl. And it didn't even work, she laughed at me :O

I think the obsessive emotions are very similar though.

5/30/2006 04:44:00 AM  
Blogger LouLou said...

Maxxed Out,

You shouldn't feel bad unless you were mean to them. It's not your fault.

Kareem,

Yes love is so complicated. It's got to be the right person at the right time & so many things can go wrong.

Craig,

That's tough that you wouldn't tell anyone. I can't imagine what it would have been like going through that without support from my friends.

As for scheming yes we did a lot of that. Like Safiya said if we used all that energy doing something useful we'd have achieved miracles.:)

I would scheme & my friends would help me & of course I'd do the same for them. The support was nice but on the downside my girlfriends had a lot of influence on me. They'd only help if they found my choice inspiring. Sometimes I'd like a guy & when they'd see him they'd be like yuck HIM? They could talk me out of a crush by constantly criticizing the guy & making me feel silly for liking him. It was very hard to sustain a crush my friends didn't approve of.

5/30/2006 09:39:00 AM  
Blogger Leilouta said...

I had only one big crush in Tunisia . I thought he was the best thing ever. At that time, I was ready to give him an organ if he needed it. He was my dream. We never dated, it was platonic. He was my dream man until I grew a little older and realized it was just a teen's illusion. He is still a wonderful person and a good friend. I just can't understand how I ever liked him that way though. It is amazing how much we change.

5/30/2006 05:22:00 PM  
Blogger tooners said...

You know, I agree w/ you that it wasn't really love - except on your part (longing, etc.), but it is that longing that makes it a love story - in my eyes. Maybe it could be an Indian movie! ;)

6/04/2006 10:54:00 AM  
Blogger maria hasbarger said...


Good day every one.

I want to share my testimony to you all which i believe you can still try your best to give a testimony like this so i was married to halen sergey at first will both love each other but short time he started a new behavior which i cannot even explain to any one then i keep it to my self hopping one day he will change for good no way he did not change so i was in pain every day don't no what to do on till one day when a friend of mine visited me in my office she met me crying then she was asking me what is going on i try to be cam but i could not then i open up to her telling me there is a way out which i will do before he left me with my kids i look up and not knowing what to do then i ask her to tell me. shortly she open up to me and say there is a man called SAMURA he is a spirit man he can do it with in three days then i look an said okay i will try my best to contact him four days later, my husband did not come home i called his phone switch off then i try my possible best i did not hear from him so i began to look for one way for a help so i remember my friend told me about one man call SAMURA i quickly run to my friend asking her if she still have samura contact then she gave it to me that was how i contacted this great man of spirit he did it for me so quick so now i can now control my husband in any thing even i can tell him that i don't want him outside today he will not. Now i have a happy family so via email SAMURATELLERSPELL100@YAHOO.COM or +2347030410643 he will do it for you as he did for me

halen sergey

8/31/2013 11:13:00 AM  
Blogger mark pirex said...


True life story, My husband is back! After 6 years of marriage, my husband left me with two kids. I felt like my life is about to end i was falling apart. a friend of my introduce me to this great man Dr dele, I contacted him I explained my problem to him, he solve the problem peacefully In just 24 hours my husband come back home to show me and our kids much love and apologize for all the pain he have bring to the family. thanks Dr dele you solved my issues, and we are even happier than before you are the best spell caster, Dr dele i really appreciate the love spell you casted for me to get my husband back in my life i will keep sharing more testimonies to people about your good work Thank very much Dr dele.in-case you are in any problem you can contact him via email;Delespellhome@yahoo.com

11/03/2013 12:24:00 AM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home