Him: Inti fein?
Me : Bara
Him: Mana 3arif inik bara. Bara fein ya3ni?
Me : Just driving around
Him: Do you know what time it is?
Me : Well it was 2 when I left home & you weren't home yet so I don't think you should be talking.
Him: It's 3:00 in the morning. Who are you with?
Me : Who would I be with now? Everyone's asleep.
Him: You're out on the streets on your own at 3:00 in the morning?
Me : Yes I already said that.
Him: And that strikes you as rational behavior?
Me : Are you really interested in how anything strikes me these days?
Him: Now that you mention it no actually I'm not. Inti fein? I'll come & get you.
Me : Thank you. I went out on my own & I can come back on my own.
Him: Tayeb ya Loulou. Lama t7issi inik 3ayza trawa7i tib2i trawa7i. Ana dakhil anam.
Me : Tisba7 3ala khair
Him: Mutashakir
Silence. He always waits for me to hang up. What a gentleman.
Him: Mumkin ti2fili?
Me : Am not done talking to you so I have no plans to hang up. If you're done you hang up.
Him: 7adir. Itfadali. Am listening.
Of course then no one says anything for like 10 minutes. I really didn't feel like going home last night. But I had nowhere else to go. I mean my parents are in Morocco. And I can't really go knocking on anyone else's door at 3:00 in the morning. Maybe tonight I'll get a hotel room or something.
Labels: Marriage, Motherhood
posted by LouLou @ 10:13 AM
21 Comments:
You definitely need to have an open conversation. Things are going in not preferable direction. This is my opinion, if someone is interested.
You are not alone, why don’t you ask for help? There is no shame in that.
LouLou, there is nothing to worry about miscarriage, you will be a great mother. My mom had first miscarriage then she had nice 2 kids after it. My sis and myself. Miscarriage is not a bad stamp. Come on, cheer up. Please?
Puppy.
I want to add may be i commented wrongly and didnt catch the idea i am sorry for that. since i didnt understand words in arabic.
Unfortunately i dont speak arabic, i know only a few casual words. Shukran. Salam.
Puppy.
Puppy,
Thank you. Am pissed off. And he's pissed off. And am even more pissed off that he's pissed off because I don't see what he has to be pissed off about.
This happens everytime I try to talk to him about kids. He'll make fun or patronize me then when I lose my temper he gets upset & thinks he's the injured party because he doesn't want anyone screaming at him. Now the issue is that I screamed at His Highness the other day. Not that he was being an insensitive jerk. So until he thinks I've grovelled enough he'll ignore me & stay out all night everyday.
Well I don't feel like grovelling. The only thing I feel like doing now is running away.
Sorry about the Arabic. This morning I was swamped at the office & didn't have time to translate. Will do it later.
Well, he is pissed off because the person he loves is pissed off and it was his kid too. Its like that with everyone. If someone I love/care is pissed off, my mood is changing to bad even if my life is ok.
The thing that he jokes it’s a normal reaction. He doesn’t know what to do and as an attempt to cheer u up he makes some jokes. Try to understand what he feels even if he hides it perfectly, I am sure he is being upset too.
Recently my mom’s blood pressure went high and she was feeling bad, I was so lost I didn’t know what can I do more to help her out (she took pills of course), but what I did? I started to play with this pressure measurement thing, giving stupid jokes. Noone thought that its my usual reaction when I don’t know what to say, instead she commented something like I don’t support her and even don’t care. I am a bit not into coming and hugging, which I think was the best thing to do. First thing I do, I try to tear a person from the stress he is in. Not these hugging and saying “how I am pity for him”. What he does its his reaction, may be not adequate, but….
You need time and give him time too, try to calm down may be by taking calming pills (don’t forget to consult with mom) and try to wait unless he will be ready to talk. Obviously he is not ready now.
I wish I can suggest something better. In Qur’an there is a saying “be patient, wait”. I think that is what you should do.
Puppy.
Don't worry, LouLou... newlyweds do have problems too, and sometimes they are quite serious. It's part of getting used to be being married, I think. My ex and I had a major disagreement about kids also, only in our case I was the one who wanted children and she was the one who wanted to wait. If it's any consolation, the reasons we got divorced 10 years later had nothing to do with those early disputes.
What is it with women running away, though? My ex used to jump out of the car and make me follow her around for an hour or two begging her to get back in :(
Puppy,
Give my love to your mom. Wish her health & strength.
I guess patience is my only choice now. But patience with what? With my hormones or with his reaction to my hormones?
Only 2 days ago we were so happy.So hard to believe now.
Craig,
"What is it with women running away, though?"
And you just can't think of anything you guys might do to make us want to run away huh?
Go home Loulou, go home... and think of his white hair --then talk.
Dear Lou Lou,
I hope you’re feeling a bit better now. I’m sure this thing will pass and you’ll be back with K closer than ever.
There’s just one thing I wanted to comment on. It seems you completely don’t see why he’s pissed off and upset. I think I see why and I’ll try to explain that. I’ll just say it like I see it, so please don’t get upset. Just trying to give you a better insight into what’s going on in his mind.
First of all, when we’re dealing with our loved ones, and they are possessed by their hormones, we feel we’re dealing with a strange outsider that we have no clue how they got into our loved one’s bodies. So he’s probably thinking: when do I get my sweetheart back. And no, I don’t think that’s being insensitive, because when hormones kick in with full force, they really, drastically change you into somebody that we don’t know and can’t understand. So, if he did say that you were obsessing, he didn’t mean it as being insensitive. He was just trying to rationally explain the strange behaviour he is seeing.
The other thing is that he KNOWS (and you know too) that having a baby now would screw things up big time, from every way. So having a baby now is really not a sane option. He also sees your hormonal attacks coming with increasing frequency, where the same discussion is repeated in each of these attacks, and every discussion ends with the same emotional outburst where he sees that logically you don’t really have an argument, so he feels you resort to yelling at him – which he probably feels is hugely insulting. He gets pissed off because he was speaking rationally and all he got was being insulted. He is also pissed off because the same discussion is repeated over and over again, only to be repeated again.
The thing he probably dreads the most is having to put up with such an environment for the next 2 years. He doesn’t see you being convinced rationally, arguments are happening more and more, and he wants his sweetheart and the great relationship he has back, without it being poisoned by the baby issue week in week out. He’s pissed off because he’s seriously worried about what you guys have between you.
Hope I didn’t butt in too much, but I just saw that you were getting only the female perspective and I thought it might help to know what’s probably going on in his mind.
Be patient. Remember the great things you have between you and all the good times you shared. The love of your life is right there next to you and by your side, so don’t let your hormones ruin the beautiful relationship you have with him. Babies will come in due time, when both of you are ready.
Loulou,
Thank you for you kind wishes. I appreciate.
“Only 2 days ago we were so happy”
The thing is, after what happened you 2 didn’t talk openly and made thinks clear. Your reaction and this feeling you were going through was with you but in sub consciousness. So you weren’t perception that sharply.
As of now you still didn’t talk, your mind is not satisfied, didn’t receive this feeling of satisfaction that u r not alone, that he knows what you went and going through (hormones etc), u didn’t speak it out enough and didn’t hear his reasonable comments about whole thing and the feelings which were in subconscioness moved up to consciousness and perception exacerbated, which is making you feel the way u feel.
Its my opinion that is why I suggested to talk in my previous comments.
I guess patience is my only choice now. But patience with what? With my hormones or with his reaction to my hormones?
Patience with the whole situation. May be there is a part to blame hormones, but I think it’s more something which is going in ur mind) indignation why u cant have things u want and deserve (whether it’s a conversation with K, or a baby). How to fix? Pills, vacation, make urself even more busy at work, see a therapist that u can speak it up? I don’t know…. you choose.
Puppy.
TOTALLY agree with Global Cairene sayings.
Be patient. Remember the great things you have between you and all the good times you shared. The love of your life is right there next to you and by your side, so don’t let your hormones ruin the beautiful relationship you have with him. Babies will come in due time, when both of you are ready.
Loulou,
I'm worried about your safety a beautiful girl like you driving at 3 am might not be the best idea :), although I presonally find driving the most relaxing thing on earth.
I have to disagree with K about the baby thing. I think you should have a baby and I think you have a valid point for being upset, I honestly don't care at all about all the plans, paper work etc... if you want to be mother so be it!.
I had my two children in places that most probably I won't even visit again what is the big deal really?
You might want to calm down first and give the topic a break and then start explaning your feelings and motherhood urge to him. Learning a language is not a big deal and you Moroccans have a wonderful talent with languages. Plus who knows what will happen in the next six months?
As for the miscarriage, you are strong, healthy and the doctors assured you that you are fine, don't let it haunt you please. We can't challange God's will.
In our church when a situation like this happen we get the priest involved, I don't think this is the case when it comes to Muslims but if there is a reasonable religious man that you think can help you with this I think it will be a good idea.
You will be a very happy and wonderful mother and they will be the best thing that ever happened to you after marrying K :)
Rabana Ma3aki
After I put my earlier comment I just recalled that you never had the talk about your miscarriage with K . You only spoke to us ( your virtual friends ) about it ya Loulou - I'm assuming this because you did not blog about it. So K has absolutely no idea how you really feel and though you do have a right to be a mother. I think you should clarify the air between you guys, and stop walking on eggshells. Men in my opinion need to be told things as they don't get it by themselves like women do .
So my dear ma ti7rimish 7alek min 7ubu wa 7ananu, ro7i ifta7illu 'albek we shufi :)
Disclaimer for all men out there I am not stereotyping you ok ? just writing from experience .
Well... since we're dispensing free marital advice :D
And you just can't think of anything you guys might do to make us want to run away huh?
Be careful about creating distance between you and your husband when you are upset, LouLou. That's a hard habit to break, and it can destroy a marriage.
I agree with Global wholeheartedly.
You said in your previous post:
Tonight he's made me so angry that am actually considering going ahead & getting pregnant whether he likes it or not. It's not like I need his permission. If this is what I get when I try to talk to him then maybe I shouldn't bother. Maybe I should just do what I want.
That's WRONG loulou, WRONG.
You're right, it's not like you need his permission, you just have to have it.
If you did it delibretly he'll feel VERY betrayed.
Don't take hasty decisions like this and like leaving the house at 3 am, it'll add insult to injury and you will be the sole loser in this.
Always remember, we plan and plan and what god intends always happens in the end.
I think you have more of a bilogical ticking clock issue other than that.
The doctor assured you that you are fine, what is the problem then?
My aunt got married when she was 30, and she now has a girl and now pregnunt with another.
Enjoy your marriage Loulou, you just got married, kids are trouble and they will rob you off your time, go for romantic dinner together or something, relax.
Gilgamish,
I can't believe that you wrote what you wrote. I'm not trying to start an argument here (always respect Loulou's house and her hospitality) but you really need to think before you post.
1- I'm under the impression that Loulou is young so what clock is ticking?
2- Have you ever been pregnant? do you know how it feels? Have you ever lost a child? If the answer is yes then you are not at the same wave length with Loulou's intense feelings.
3- Children should never take away the romantic life, people are walking around with trio's these days and have an organized life, this is not the old days of the 30's. I can never deny the effort we invest in our children but forgetting about the marriage is OUR fault not the children's fault.
Loulou,
The only reason I feel strongly as you do is that K (from what you wrote) doesn't have a valid reason to not have children now. I'm not trying to make you feel worse but I think if you want to be a mother, you should make every effort to communicate and discuss with K. may be when things calm down. Having a baby is a mutual decision and should not be a fight.
Kids CAN be a nightmare and tons of trouble! I see this w/ my SILs kid and he's only 1. I can't imagine what it'll be like when he starts walking - all hell will surely break loose.
It's ok to want a child... but maybe wait a little bit. If you've only been married a short bit, then try doing things together, go places, travel... enjoy your *free* time together.
I also agree w/ Programmer Craig, be careful about driving a wedge between the two of you and creating a distance. It can bring on lots of other troubles.
Global,
You made me feel sorry for him. And I didn't want to. I don't want to feel sorry for anyone other than myself right now. But what you wrote helped me to understand & in the long run that can't be a bad thing. Thank you.
Gilgamish,
"The doctor assured you that you are fine, what is the problem then?"
I had to take some medical tests for the marriage. He did too. It's a prerequisite here. And the doctors said we were both fine then. But I still had a miscarriage so clearly being fine doesn't stop you from having a miscarriage.
About the biological clock ya3ni my Mom is 60 & she has a 20 year old son & a 15 year old daughter. She had both my younger siblings when she was at least 10 years older than I am now. Am not even 30 yet. So no I haven't thought about the biological clock thing yet. When we got married I was 29 & he said 2 years & I thought that was too soon. Having a baby at 31 I mean. I wanted to wait until I was 35 because we only want to have one anyway so I thought what's the rush? I was the one who wanted to put it off.
But then I didn't have the feeling that my body is somehow deformed & dysfunctional & kills babies. I thought I was fine & could have babies anytime I wanted.
Twosret,
K does have very valid work reasons for not wanting to stay here. If he hadn't met & married me he'd already be gone. He renewed because we have to wait for my papers. Residency permits take a very long time to process when the marriage happens outside Europe. He's got friends who got married in Egypt & had to wait 18 months or 2 years for their wives to join them.
According to our lawyer if we have a baby here we'd have to wait for the baby's papers so no way we can be out of here in 18 months time. It would be like starting the entire process from the beginning. He's already pissed at me because I delayed getting some of my papers ready & that's going to cost us time. K's contract is only renewable twice. After that he loses a permanent position that he has waiting for him back in Sweden with much better pay & research opportunities etc... He won't get the same terms anywhere in UAE. And nothing is permanent here if you're not a local. Added to which he's got a lot of problems with the people he works with & doesn't want to be in a position to have to ask them for anything. To him it's irrational to take a big hit financially & throw away a permanent position for something temporary & contractual at the exact time when he's starting a family. And I do understand that so that's not where we disagree.
Out of desperation I recently got the idea that we can have the baby & then he can leave when the 2 years are up & I can stay here with the baby & join him whenever our papers come through. That's where the current clash is. Again he thinks that's nuts, that we don't need to suffer prolonged seperation, we can just wait 18 months together & have our baby there also together. Yesterday he said that I used to act like it was a big deal when I had to be away from him for one week & now am basically telling him give me a baby & go away for months or even years if need be. He just doesn't get it.
And am exhausted because I can't seem to phrase anything in a way that makes it acceptable to him anymore.Or in a way that makes him want to listen at least. Everything comes out wrong.
Violet,
Hope that answers your question about the maid. I knew he has to leave in 18 months time. I was thinking we can have a baby asap & then I can stay behind with the baby & the nanny.
He wasn't aware of that at first. He thought I just wanted help around the house. And I thought that when he said yes we can get the maid he was starting to come round to my pov. When we faced each other with our 'assumptions' we had one of those explosions. I said he'd been leading me on. And he said he wasn't, he had no idea that I was still thinking on those lines & he was furious that I was making different plans, how many times do we have to go through this etc.....
You're right. We seem to find it difficult to discuss this issue without getting into a fight. So there's a lot of walking on eggshells & beating about the bush.
Craig,
I don't think am creating the distance. I hate the distance. What makes me want to run away is that he's acting distant & uncommunicative. I can't take being around him & being ignored or given the cold shoulder. I'd rather be somewhere else. And besides when I run away it seems to get his attention. At least it makes him SPEAK to me.
Alluring,
"Always remember, we plan and plan and what god intends always happens in the end."
My mother said that in Arabic. Ana ureed wanta tureed wallahu yaf3alu ma yureed.
Mohamed,
Look who's here! How have you been?
Loulou,
That explains more the situation so I guess you guys have to chose between being apart or having a baby. That is a tough choice. I hope God will guide you to the best for your family.
I was under the impression that he is fed up with the paper work complications and didn't understand that it will mean being apart since his contract is not to be extended again.
I think it is time for you then to put the baby thing off and enjoy your marriage. I personally won't encourage you guys being apart especially if you have a baby. Babies need their dad around it is so important.
Sorry my Egyptian hot blood kicked in :)
Good luck
Loulou,
Sorry to be commenting late, and since I cannot add to all what's been said here, I'll be brief. About having the baby and staying alone in UAE with the baby - bad, bad idea. Don't base your discussions with K on this choice, because you will be the first one to suffer if he agrees. And he will suffer too; do you think he will enjoy being apart from you and his child? No ya Loulou, I think you need to figure out a better situation for both of you to be comfortable having a baby. Ma3lesh ya Loulou, wait it out..things will happen for the best inshallah.
to Twosret
1- I'm under the impression that Loulou is young so what clock is ticking?
- I am only 23 and I have biological clock issue at times,it is not about old or young. I was just under that impression and loulou cleared that out.
2- Have you ever been pregnant? do you know how it feels? Have you ever lost a child? If the answer is yes then you are not at the same wave length with Loulou's intense feelings.
- never been pregnunt and never lost a child.
3- Children should never take away the romantic life, people are walking around with trio's these days and have an organized life, this is not the old days of the 30's. I can never deny the effort we invest in our children but forgetting about the marriage is OUR fault not the children's fault.
- where did I say they will take the romantic life???? read b4 replying plz.
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