One minute I'm mad at him for losing his temper and getting in trouble. How could he do that, I ask myself? He's not an adolescent. Fighting in the street? Getting arrested? What was he THINKING?
The next minute I'm mad at myself, feeling guilty for causing him all this trouble, feeling so bad for him.
Last night I spoke with my mother who called because she heard from my aunt that my husband went and got himself arrested. Mama started attacking him for being crazy, irresponsible etc...I can criticize him as much as I want but I can't take very much of that from other people before I start getting defensive. So I told her he was only trying to keep me from getting killed. I don't know why I said that. It wasn't true. This was beyond exaggeration. It was an outright lie.
But my mother was instantly contrite. Now she thinks he's a hero. So I guess it served its purpose. I really hate it when people in my family say bad things about him. Really. I cannot take a word against him from anyone am even remotely related to. Especially not them.
And I feel other things in the middle of all that confusion. I have to admit am a little bit nervous around him now. I know it's not fair to act like he's some kind of psycho when he was only trying to stand up for me. But I keep thinking about our fights. The way he would go all cold and withdrawn. The way it drives me crazy to be ignored or made fun of when am already upset. And the way I lose my temper and start screaming, crying, throwing things, slamming doors in my effort to get to him because I want a response. ANY response. And I rarely succeed. I can't think of a single time when he slammed a door. Or swore at me. Or hung up on me. I can count on one hand the number of times I actually heard his voice raised.
Now I find myself thinking maybe I shouldn't be so provocative in the future. Maybe all those times I was really pushing my luck and didn't know it.
Of course I would never say that to him because it would hurt his feelings and it wouldn't really solve anything. I did tell him how shocked I was because it wasn't like him to flip like that. He said people have limits to their patience, that there are extreme situations where anyone might act a little out of character.
He's with his friends now. Some of them came over with him from the mosque after prayer. And of course they all think it's a great joke. And that nothing will happen to him. I wish I could be so sure. I also wish he'd listen and go get himself checked out at the hospital. He's covered in cuts and bruises and keeps wincing when you touch him. I hope he didn't break any ribs. Of course he's too macho to go to the hospital. All he's worried about is how he's going to go back to work on Sunday with his face like that. It's probably not the most reassuring image for your dental surgeon to project is it?
I saw one of his friends slap him hard on the back today and I wanted to go slap the guy's face. Maybe I am developing violent tendencies too.