One minute I'm mad at him for losing his temper and getting in trouble. How could he do that, I ask myself? He's not an adolescent. Fighting in the street? Getting arrested? What was he THINKING?
The next minute I'm mad at myself, feeling guilty for causing him all this trouble, feeling so bad for him.
Last night I spoke with my mother who called because she heard from my aunt that my husband went and got himself arrested. Mama started attacking him for being crazy, irresponsible etc...I can criticize him as much as I want but I can't take very much of that from other people before I start getting defensive. So I told her he was only trying to keep me from getting killed. I don't know why I said that. It wasn't true. This was beyond exaggeration. It was an outright lie.
But my mother was instantly contrite. Now she thinks he's a hero. So I guess it served its purpose. I really hate it when people in my family say bad things about him. Really. I cannot take a word against him from anyone am even remotely related to. Especially not them.
And I feel other things in the middle of all that confusion. I have to admit am a little bit nervous around him now. I know it's not fair to act like he's some kind of psycho when he was only trying to stand up for me. But I keep thinking about our fights. The way he would go all cold and withdrawn. The way it drives me crazy to be ignored or made fun of when am already upset. And the way I lose my temper and start screaming, crying, throwing things, slamming doors in my effort to get to him because I want a response. ANY response. And I rarely succeed. I can't think of a single time when he slammed a door. Or swore at me. Or hung up on me. I can count on one hand the number of times I actually heard his voice raised.
Now I find myself thinking maybe I shouldn't be so provocative in the future. Maybe all those times I was really pushing my luck and didn't know it.
Of course I would never say that to him because it would hurt his feelings and it wouldn't really solve anything. I did tell him how shocked I was because it wasn't like him to flip like that. He said people have limits to their patience, that there are extreme situations where anyone might act a little out of character.
He's with his friends now. Some of them came over with him from the mosque after prayer. And of course they all think it's a great joke. And that nothing will happen to him. I wish I could be so sure. I also wish he'd listen and go get himself checked out at the hospital. He's covered in cuts and bruises and keeps wincing when you touch him. I hope he didn't break any ribs. Of course he's too macho to go to the hospital. All he's worried about is how he's going to go back to work on Sunday with his face like that. It's probably not the most reassuring image for your dental surgeon to project is it?
I saw one of his friends slap him hard on the back today and I wanted to go slap the guy's face. Maybe I am developing violent tendencies too.
Labels: Marriage
posted by LouLou @ 11:58 AM
6 Comments:
I feel for you, a different side is revealed to someone who happens to be your life partner, that's never easy. I'd try to let it go, as you are aware now of the existence of that side. However if you find yourself fearing him, then its time to tell him about it... i could be wrong of course, i just hate fearing loved ones.
First of all thank god ur both safe we 7amdella 3ala salametko.
Secondly... i think this is larlgely due to a CULTURAL CLASH. Its not that Egyptian ppl r by nature more violent...but its more of an unspoken agreement to sort street conflicts by hand due to the fact that both parties know that the LAW and POLICE is more of a hindrance than a help... its the concept of "Kol wa7ed ya7'od 7a2o bedra3u"...and unfrontunately this is how ppl manage in egypt...this is how we grew up to see our fathers and brothers .... and if they dont do that their manhood is questioned "RAGEL YEKHALAS 7A2O"..
I agree with u that its not civil...but its only in reaction to a police force which has failed to make the ppl receive their rights..
Rest assured and dont worry about K's personality or his tendencies... my father is exactly like that..during fights with my mum she would almost break the whole house out of anger..and he would sit still in his chair and not move ...Everyone thinks he s the coldest most calm man..but we all know that the reason he developed such self control over the years...is because he knows of his temper...and that his capable of releasing a thunder storm...which he only does... AT THE RIGHT SITUATION AND RIGHT TIME...
and according to egyptian standards... ur lil accident QUALIFIES as a right situation...although logically that is always debatable
I hope u guys we ll get rested..and relax and forget about this:)
Loulou,
It’s normal to feel like this, but keep in mind that in the man’s DNA regardless the culture; you will find that we are more prone to the macho attitude, but fortunately is not negatively, I think I totally understand K’s situation…
We are not trying to judge or analysis K’s actions, but in my humble opinion, you should thank him first then tell him your worries about him jumping into those situations :)
May be if you ask yourself: What- trigger his exaggerated actions? Why- he jump in without any reasoning and start his actions? How- you felt amid of all what is happening?
The answer in all is YOU, you are the answer, and in the same time you are the solution regarding how to make him not repeating this again *hopefully* because you was worrying about him not because you got afraid of him… in other words, he is worried about YOU, he loves YOU, he felt that he might lose YOUr sparkles in case that guy hurt you… all this just triggered a risk factor (even if it was .0001%), no time to lose, this is very critical, he need to react or he will ----- ! This will be too much to bear if he might ---- :) and here you go…
very simple and by intuition as with instinct….***All is fair in war and love***, and the time he saw you in pain due to mad action made by some ridiculous guy this was war time for him because he loves you, Thanks to him and I hope to hear the good news about the ceasing of al these consequences.
*PEACE*
I sincerely doubt he would EVER lay a finger on you in violence. This man has shown time and time again how much he loves and respects you. It's normal to question his behavior but try to remember how he has been with you. Unless he has a history of being violent with women I would not worry. Your husband is a good man, he's just made a few bad choices. I hope it all turns out well. You and he will be in my thoughts.
"Now I find myself thinking maybe I shouldn't be so provocative in the future. Maybe all those times I was really pushing my luck and didn't know it."
No need for exageration, if he always have acted reserved around you, then that will be the case -always. I think he is an over protective guy and loves you alot, and would never lay a finger on you, and I think you should trust his nervous system when you two are together, i mean he showed that he conrtrol his temper around you more than you , i am just trying to be honest.
And like how other said, it is a macho attitude, and nothing else.
No one is perfect, and you can explain to him that he should have probably controlled his temper when it comes to man-to man quarrel.
take care.
Best prediction for future behavior is past behavior. I think K is calm enough around you no need to worry but I think after this situation is over you need to have a serious talk with him about his anger.
I will keep him in my prayers and please taminina aa'lih.
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