Sunday, July 09, 2006

Secrets

I am secretive. I love having secrets. Not necessarily because am ashamed of whatever it is am hiding. No I just enjoy that I-know-something-you-don't feeling.

Always found myself sharing different parts of myself & my life with different people. It's a habit. I share part of the story with A & another part with B. Wouldn't tell either one of them the whole story. Not if I can help it anyway. Sometimes people who are close to you can read you in ways you never expected. But I wouldn't voluntarily come clean. If I have any choice I'll always keep something hidden. It doesn't have to be something very important. I just like keeping the last piece of the puzzle.

Sometimes I get uncomfortable if two of people who are close to me start getting close to each other. I don't want A to know what B knows about me & vice versa. Like now with one of my best friends dating my uncle. I've always been the one to decide what I want to tell my family about my friends & vice versa. Now I get him coming to me & saying did you really do so-and-so in the 8th grade? And I get her asking or making comments about all sorts of skeletons in the family closet that I would never have discussed with anyone outside the family - that I never wanted my friends to know about. It makes me feel too exposed to both of them.

It's sad but I find myself keeping them both at a distance now. I try not to be alone for too long with either one of them. Quality-time with either one of them is now an uncomfortable experience. Unless we're with other people or we're out doing something like ice-skating or watching a movie or whatever. But just sitting around talking to either one of them over coffee like before is no longer doable.

The real irony is that in my attempts not to find myself alone with my uncle or my friend D I started throwing my uncle & my husband together a lot. Whenever my uncle comes over I leave him with my husband & go busy myself around the house. And I drag my husband along everytime we go out. When D wants to see me I make sure the guys come along because I'm trying to avoid having a heart-to-heart with her. 'The guys' here being my uncle(her bf) & my husband. Then the World Cup came along & both my uncle & my husband are football fanatics so it made them bond even more. So now I have a new problem.

My uncle & my husband are getting too close. Wouldn't have expected that because the two of them had the mother of all personality clashes when they first met & came close to throwing punches at each other more than once. There was a time when I would have been grateful for them to just be civil to each other. But now all that is water under the bridge apparently & they're like brothers. Great. Just terrific.

At this rate I will soon have no secrets from anybody. Then I'll have to run away & join the circus.

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3 Comments:

Blogger Puppy said...

Secret is not a secret anymore if more than one person knows “the secret”.

I understand your worries, but you should know that any secrets will be revealed sooner or later. And if I were you and someone will come to me and say “did you really do so-and-so in the 8th grade?” after so many times I would say yes, I did so what? I mean you are who you are, and you are grown enough to take responsibilities of what u did. We all do something during our lifes, beside you are not a kid and I am sure u didn’t do something which will be a disaster if revealed. Just a thought.

I used to share partially to separate people, but then obviously I was forgetting to whom I said what, so now I whether tell everyone everything, or nothing to anyone. But I share everything with my sis, so I don’t keep any secrets inside as a fact. Actually I have ONE BIG SECRET, from her, but I have another person who knows that big secret. So based on what I said in first sentence I have no secrets.

Cheers

Puppy.

7/10/2006 10:33:00 AM  
Blogger Alina said...

Well, why run away with the circus? Become a spy and you will have plenty of those :)

About the "what you did in 8th grade" series, well, let me share a little secret: my dad has a recording of me when I was about 5, singing, fighting, laughing, the whole bunch. He wishes to play that at my wedding....The secret is it will be done over my dead body, but don't have the heart to tell him!

7/10/2006 10:44:00 AM  
Blogger tooners said...

I find it best to either just be honest or not share at all. Sometimes the prob w/ not remembering who you told what to... well, it comes back to bite ya in the ass.

Personally, I find the fact that your friend is telling your uncle everything to be a bit bothersome - unless the info you've told her is really no big deal and kids' stuff. In that case, who cares if the uncle knows. He's probably just teasing you anyway.

Maybe you should tell her that the things you told her were in confidence and not to tell your uncle everything, but if they get serious and wind up marrying, then she'll prob not keep any secrets from him. I know I don't keep secrets from my husband - I tell him everything but I've never been in this situation either... altho, if I were told something from one of his sisters and told not to tell him, it would be very difficult for me not to share it w/ him. Makes me think - well, what if he found out later and then found out I knew and didn't say anything - could piss him off - so I don't keep secrets.

7/10/2006 01:30:00 PM  

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