Calling
On Tuesday I went to the mall after work to meet some friends for lunch. After lunch the guys left & we girls to decided to stay behind & you guessed it - do some shopping. It was so much fun. Really enjoyed trying out clothes with a bunch of likeminded individuals for a change. I hate shopping with my husband. He takes all the joy out of it.
At some point I noticed that my cell had been unusually silent for over an hour. Checked in my handbag. It wasn't there. Great. The girls started calling my number from their cells. It would ring & ring but no one would pick up.
So we started retracing our steps, visiting every shop where one of us wanted to try something & the rest of us went in with her to play fashion consultant. After the third shop yielded no results I was starting to get agitated. Thankfully someone finally answered it. It was a salesgirl so we knew which shop to get it from.
One of the girls told me that my cell was 'mal 7alal' & that was why we found it. That means it was bought from money obtained by honest means so God blessed it & I can't lose it. It was nice to hear but it made me a bit nervous because I mean I've lost lots of things that I never found before so does that mean they were all 7aram?
There were 15 missed calls. Most from the girls I was with. One from work. And a few from various other people. But one was from my husband. I called him back but his cell was diverted to the office & I got the reception. She said he had a patient with him & asked me if I'd like to leave a message. What could I say? Please tell him I wish he wouldn't be so hard to get on the phone because maybe then I wouldn't be going crazy everytime he calls & I miss it & I can't get him back? I told her no thanks. My friends were saying LouLou he's your husband & it's just a phonecall. I know but I still don't want to miss any of his calls.
Being married hasn't changed the fact that I get ridiculously excited when my cell rings & I see his number. And ridiculously pissed off if I missed the call. Anyway I wasn't going to be the party-pooper so I made an effort to enjoy the rest of the time with my friends until I could get away & go home. But it did affect my mood.
I really hate the way whenever he's out of my sight he's completely unreachable. It's not just when he's at work. He's really terrible with phones. Once he was out with his friends at the 'ahwa'(Arabic teashop) until almost 2:00am. And he left his cell in the car. I was calling & calling. I went absolutely frantic. I thought something happened to him. I actually started calling police stations & hospitals to see if there's been an accident. In the end I got in my car & drove out there. I wasn't even sure which teashop they were in. They have more than one hangout. So I had to visit 5 or 6 different places. It wasn't fun because these places are usually not frequented by women & that late at night there were a lot of sleazeballs around. Someone actually pinched my butt on my way out of one of them. And of course I heard all kinds of disgusting comments. Good thing I was too panicked for that sort of thing to bother me then.
When I did find him it was of course a big fight because it's a major insult to his Arab macho pride that his wife should walk into a place like that by herself so late at night thereby subjecting herself to the kind of sexual harrassment I had to put up with & infront of his Arab friends too. He was so furious I never told him how many of these places I had actually been in that night or what happened to me. I was furious too. Damn it. Why can't he just answer the phone? Did he think I enjoyed being out of my mind with worry & running around looking for him all over town like a lunatic?
After that incident I made a point of saving all his friend's numbers on my cell. Am more likely to get him on his friend's numbers than on his own! On any number other than his own. I call the gym where he goes to work out. And the coffee shops & restaurants he frequents. When he's outdoors I call the guys. I never tried going out looking for him again because I didn't like his reaction to that one.
Of course he still doesn't like that. He asks why do I have to call the whole world asking about him, that he's not '3ayel tayeh'(lost kid). Initially I'll call him for no particular reason, just because I feel like hearing his voice. Or because am stressed out about something & he's really good at helping me to calm down when he's takes the time. But when he doesn't pick up after repeated calls I get seriously worried. Then when I finally reach him after I've moved Heaven & Earth & he's asking 'what's going on' I get too embarrassed to say I just missed you & wanted to hear your voice. It sounds stupid. I feel like I should have a good reason for causing a crisis so I find myself making up something.
When he's out of town I beg & beg before he leaves please call me, at least let me know you arrived safely etc....And that will earn me one phonecall. The first one. After that it's back to normal, me chasing him all over.
I don't get it. If I didn't always find out where he is & what he's doing I'd think he's purposely avoiding my calls because he's with another woman or something. Is it really that much to ask that he should keep in touch when we're not together?
Labels: Marriage
posted by LouLou @ 10:31 AM
13 Comments:
Loulou,
I can totally relate. It is a big deal for us when they don't answer the phone, but they can never understand that. Sometimes, I don't understand it myself. Why can't I just think of a normal reason for him not to answer, instead of imagining all sort of bad things that could've happened. We get so stressed out, they get so pissed off, and then we get pissed off that they got pissed off instead of being grateful that we care enough to worry.
My advice: He won't change, and he'll never understand how worried he makes you, so just try not to worry.
I hope this advice works for you - it hasn't for me....yet, but I'm working on it :)
Loulou,
Why not to talk to him about it? why not to explain that its ur urge to hear his voice and that he is being ok? I mean I try to solve everything by talking/negotiating, saying that something is not making you feel comfortable, and then its his responsibility that he cant make u fell comfortable and better, u know… May be it will sound childish “I want to hear your voice” but its you, why to be ashamed?
I know all my comments looks the same, I always say “talk to him, speak it up”, but talking is the only solution to all the issues, its how I see things.
And also when u have one of these panics, try to calm yourself on your own, distract yourself, reassure urself saying “he is ok”, he is not a kid at the end. He might be busy, he can forget his phone somewhere, phone can be on silent mode, a place where he is might be out of network coverage, tons of things. So simply don’t panic, try to control and breathe :) I mean this exercise of breathing in and out. It helps sometimes.
Saying he will not change and he will not understand, I might agree with the first part that he will not change, regarding second part at least you Loulou can try to explain how u feel, and after he will understand how it makes you feel, hopefully he will make some steps to change. Might sound great in theory but u never know unless you try, so just try it.
All the best,
Puppy.
Loulou, men are sorta strange little birds sometimes. My husband will also do this and then, even sometimes, turn off his phone if I call repeatedly. That, in turn, will make me mad. But.. I think it's that they can't really be bothered by the 'small stuff'... like calling. I'm like you, I miss his voice. I get excited when I see his phone number calling - I still get butterflies in my stomach, and that's such a good feeling. I also let things affect me and sometimes have to put a lot of my energy into continuing to be in a good mood if I miss his call and such and then can't get ahold of him. We girls.. and to be in love.
I wish my mind didn't play games w/ me when this happens... that's the worst part about it because I tend, like you, to worry a lot. Gosh, I only wonder what I'll be like when we have children.... phew! :)
I hope you won't get what i'm about to say wrong.
First, why do you always link everything to "another woman"?
Don't you have confidence in your self?? after all he chose you and not any other woman. Besides, you seem to love him so much, in fact it seems that you love him more than he loves you, which isn't healthy, love should be mutual, and more from his side, so he will cherish you not take you for granted.
Second, harrassing a man with phone calls like that is disturbing to you first and to him second, calling police stations and hospitals is insane, going around late at night looking for him is officially crazy!
If he took it more or less lightly the first time, be sure that the 2nd time he wouldn't, and if you attempt to use the numbers of his friends that you have to look for him, the outcome will be disastrous.
He will feel like you're trying to take away his freedom, his right to be with his friends, and although the fact is that you only want to make sure he's ok, the repetition of scenarios like that is more likely to build anger between you.
Men are just lazy with phones, it's a fact that women has to accept and live with.
Loulou, relax, be confident and have faith in your husband, and inshallah everything will be fine.
girl, this post makes u sounds like an utter nutjob.
Yes .. it is too much .
You can't expect him to interrupt whatever he's doing every half an hour to check on you .
Men need space .
Hell ... everyone needs space !
You need to chill and don't let your mind tricks ruin your marriage .
You just can't go looking for a grown man in cafes and bars and on his friends' numbers cause u "missed" him .
Dude that's harrassment !
Let alone very immature and inconsiderate for his feelings .
My mom stopped doin' that when i turned 12 for God's sakes !
His world obviously doesn't revolve around you .. and neither should yours .
and
" I'd think he's purposely avoiding my calls because he's with another woman or something "
That's terribly terrible insecure .
In a rather frightening way !
Maxxed Out,
"You can't expect him to interrupt whatever he's doing every half an hour to check on you."
Where did I say every half an hour?
"Men need space .Hell ... everyone needs."
Ya3ni on a good day me & him will see each other for about 15 min in the morning before I go to work, 10 min in the afternoon if I make it home before he leaves for his evening shift, & after 9:00pm. Good being the operative word here. If neither one of us is out of town or working late. We even have our weekends on different days.
If after all this he wants to spend what little time we get together with his friends or doing his own thing I don't generally object - because I also have friends & my own things that I find I've neglected & need to pay some attention to. All I ask is that in all the vast expanses of time when we're not together we should occasionally speak to each other on the phone for a few minutes or sms each other.
If he needs more space than that then the question that comes to my mind is why did he get married aslan?
"His world obviously doesn't revolve around you .. and neither should yours ."
As I've explained above his world definitely doesn't revolve around me & I don't think picking up when someone calls you necessarily means your world revolves around them. Lots of people call me & I generally pick up or get back to them later & my world doesn't revolve around any of them.
Alluring,
When I talk about 'another woman' I'm usually being sarcastic. If I really thought there was another woman I doubt that I would still be with him. The only time I did mention another woman seriously I explained what was bothering me about her - the fact that she was openly hostile & she rejected
all my overtures of friendship while sucking up to him all the time.
We're a couple. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that if you're going to be close to one of us you should be civil to the other one. Everyone who has met me & her comments that that situation looks like she's the jealous wife & am the other woman. I feel that too. And I think most women would feel uncomfortable with another woman acting so possessive of your husband.
And anyway what did I do about it in the end? I mentioned it to him. Once. He said he would try to impose some limits. He did what he could but given the nature of their working relationship they're still very close & her attitude towards me hasn't changed at all. I don't see what more he could do really. He can't force her to like me. It's not part of her job description. So basically the situation remains pretty much the same & I'm living with it. He's never heard another word about it from me & I don't intend that he should.
Am not a particularly jealous person. What I am is a worrier. That's something quite different.
About answering phones I've never known anyone who has his attitude before.
In my family there is simply no excuse for not answering your phone. That includes all
of us - guys & girls & also my parents. If you're in a place where you feel you might not get to your phone you leave another number where you can be reached. If you don't answer your missed call within 2 or 3 hrs then they will definitely be worried. My parents used to say if you never answer your phone how will we know when there's an emergency or you need help? We were taught that this was irresponsible, inconsiderate behavior - worrying people needlessly.
My Dad used to travel a lot & if he hasn't called within an hour of arrival I'd be watching TV looking for news of a crash - because he always calls. The one time he didn't, there was no plane crash but he had a heart attack in the cab from the airport to his hotel.
And do you know how we found out? I went online & got the numbers of dozens of police stations & hospitals in Paris. When I started calling them everyone told me I was nuts. But he was actually in one of them.
Now Baba is not a kid but emergencies do happen. I don't see what age has to do with it. Is it that 'grown men' never get in a car crash? Or have a heart attack? Or get mugged? Are they invincible or something?
I don't think it's unreasonable to worry when someone goes out at 8 in the evening, tells you he'll be back in an hour & then stays out til 2 in the morning without calling or picking up when you call. If this happpens with anyone in my family I'd know for sure there's an emergency because there's no way they'd behave like this otherwise. This is why I'm finding it difficult to live with someone who can't answer the phone. Or reject the call. Or sms. Or give any sign of life AT ALL.
All he had to do was tell me he was fine & enjoying himself too much to come home. I'd have gone out myself instead of expecting him home for dinner, waiting for him & worrying.
As for loving him more than he loves me I don't know really. It's not something I think about a lot. It's hard to quantify that sort of thing & compare.
"when someone goes out at 8 in the evening, tells you he'll be back in an hour & then stays out til 2 in the morning without calling or picking up when you call"
Well in this case i totally support what you did. Its quite a long period, taking into account 5hrs overdue.
My parents are always calling me, if I am 1min late to be at home of my expected time of arrival, also they expect that I will call them from work saying I am ok, or generally they call to my cell to ask if I am ok, how my work is going, since I generally forget since I am into work sometimes.
Fight wasn’t a good thing to do, but u know I generally suggest things I would do if I were on your place, and I would definitely make a scandal, because I cant tolerate that someone I love takes my care as for granted, without further thinking of my nerves and worrying feeling I would went through.
The main thing is to try be reasonable in everything u say or do. Which I think you had ur reason.
Best wishes,
Puppy.
You have him on a tight leash. Too tight, be careful not to break his neck or the leash
How about you both just get rid of your cell phones :) My husband doesn't have one.
You know Loulou for me too there is nothing better that hearing the voice of a loved one and you would see me smile from ear to ear if I saw his name come up on my cell phone. I freak out if ring and don't find him. But at the same time I have to remember to give him his own space.... Because I remember that my ex-fiance use to stalk me and was so jealous obsessive to the point were my love turned to a plea to get rid of him. So you have to watch out and balance your need for him .. take lots of compromise.
Hint to men reading this: Please do phone us we love to hear your voice because and I know this sounds stupid it shows us your care. It does not mean we want a report on your activity 24h/7 but only to phone us in really important times and maybe once a day for a short flirty session ;)
Loulou,
You said "I don't see what age has to do with it. Is it that 'grown men' never get in a car crash? Or have a heart attack? Or get mugged? Are they invincible or something?"
No one's invincible, but why do you have to be so pessimistic??
It's not healthy and it's obviously driving you crazy.
God knows how many times i missed calls from my mom and the fiance, and how many times the fiance missed my call, my mom learnt to call ONLY if it's getting really late, the fiance knows that i will call when i see the missed call.
I have to admit that it drives me crazy sometimes when he doesn't pick up, but it's coz i never call him at work, so i dont get i was in a meeting or had another call thing, but i never harassed him with phone calls nor have i asked around about him, and I pray god that it never reaches that.
Your fear that it might reach that is taking you to this point.
Dear, kol lan yosibana ella ma kataba allaho lana. What you're doing might have really bad impacts on your relationship.
Please TRY, just try to be less of a worrier, it's not good for the both of you.
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