Two Convos I Can't Believe I Had
Her: K looks so hot today.
Me : Do you mind? My husband looks hot everyday.
Her: Maybe but today he's different. I still want to have his babies.
Me : You can't. You're married. He's married. To me. Your friend. Besides he doesn't want to have babies.
Her: What?!!You mean not at all?
Me : Well not anytime soon.
Her: How old did you say he was?
Me : I didn't. He's 32.
Her: Shou(What)? He's younger than me?
Me : So?
Her: I don't like younger men.
Me : Am relieved to hear it.
Her: Damn. Now I have no one to watch.
Me : You could watch P. He's hot. And he's definitely older than you.
Her: I know but he looks - I dunno - too refined.
Me : Excuse me? You mean my husband looks like a Neanderthal?
Her: No but K has that look.
Me : What look?
Her: He looks like a guy who should have lots of women. And dozens of off-spring - not all legitimate.
Me : I think you should stop reading those historical romances. They're messing up your brain.
Her: No seriously. I think if he was an actor he could play Haroon AlRashid.
Me : Haroon AlRashid was short, half-bald, had a paunch, wore funny-looking clothes & had concubines. And he ordered political assassinations. I'm offended.
Her: Have you seen Haroon AlRashid? No one knows for sure how those people looked. I think he looked like K.
Me : Excuse me? Since when are you & my husband on nickname basis?
Her: I wouldn't call him that to his face. Besides I don't know what you're complaining about. You fantasize about my husband too.
Me : I DO NOT!!!
Her: You did. On my wedding day. Do you think I could ever forget?
Me : Oh that. I fantasized about everyone that day. I was just single & really frustrated.
Her: Maybe I'm frustrated too.
Me : You?Why are you frustrated?
Her: Well my husband is out of town. And I've got hormones.
Me (staring at her): Are you pregnant?!!!
Her: How did you know?
Me : Just remembered the last time you started talking about sex with men & lots of other women. Pregnancy seems to get you in the mood for orgies. Mabrook!
I kissed her.
Her: Tislami 7abibti(Thanks). Yeah I see sex everywhere. I imagine everyone naked. And he had to pick now to go abroad. Very insensitive.
Me : Ma3laih(It's ok). He's a man. He doesn't know any better.
Her: And I'll bet he expects me to be faithful while he's away.
Me : Ma yist7eesh.(He has no shame)
Her: Ibn 7aram.(He's a bastard)
Me : Howa illy ibn 7aram?(HE'S a bastard?)
Me : I hope he's coming back soon.
Later today - at home:
Me : Do you think you might have any illegitimate children?
Him : Afandem(Excuse me)?
Me : I was just wondering if you might have made a mistake a long time back when you were young & stupid.
Him : No.
Me : No?
Him : I might have been that young once a long time ago but I was never that stupid.
Me : Oh.
Him : You sound disappointed.
Me : Who?Me?La tab3an(Of course not).
Him : Inama inti btisa'ali leh?(But why do you ask?)
Me : Just wanted you to know that if you did have any illegitimate children that you've been wanting to adopt but haven't been saying incase I might not like it, that it's ok with me.
Him : You would raise these hypothetical illegitimate children?
Me : Yes.
Him : You'd do anything for a child wouldn't you?
Me : It's not about that.
Him : Then what is this about?
Me : Nothing. Just didn't want you to feel you have to hide this sort of thing from me.
Him : I don't feel I have to hide anything. I7na hankhaf wala eh?(Do you think I'm scared)
Me : La astagfirullah(No God forgive me for suggesting that).
Him : And you felt inspired to tell me that kida min ghair monasba(just out of the blue)?Ya3ni eh masalan illy khalaki t7issi ini mi7tag a3raf 7aga zay kida(What made you feel I need to know something like that)?
Me : I didn't say you needed to know. I said I wanted you to know.
Him : Ana mutashakir gedan.(Thank you very much.)
Me : 3afwan.