Friday, July 28, 2006


People used to tell me that you should never tell your partner everything, that there is such a thing as white lies. And I used to say no my partner should be my soulmate, my other half, that if I can't tell him everything then he's not the right guy. The thing is I never had anyone that I could tell everything to. Always wondered what that would be like, to be totally open with another human being without fear of being judged or being misunderstood. It sounded really nice and comforting but too much to risk with anyone around me so I kind of procrastinated and told myself it could wait until I found The One. I figured it would be inevitable then. Couldn't imagine how you could share your life with someone and be so intimate and still keep secrets. With my future husband it would come naturally and seamlessly I said to myself. I wouldn't have to put any effort into it.

Well now I have no 'future husband'. The future is here, so to speak. He is it. And I do things without telling him. And I tell him lies. Lies by omission maybe but still lies. And what scares me is how natural and seamless and painless it was for me to do it.

Of course it was inevitable that he would catch me at some point. I suppose I should have expected that. We live together, we share too much. And he's a smart guy. I should have seen it coming.

But I didn't expect it. And I didn't expect his reaction. It's weird but he seems to blame himself for it. He keeps asking if am afraid of him and what he's done to make me feel I can't trust him enough to tell him etc....

It makes me feel guilty that he feels guilty because I lied. It was my fault. I want to say sorry and be forgiven and move on. Am not afraid of him. And it's not an issue of trusting him. It was a mixture of cowardice and laziness really. I held something back because I didn't want it to spoil a special and precious moment between us. And then I didn't want to bring it up later because I knew I'd get in trouble for not saying from the beginning. I just didn't want to deal with it. And then the longer I waited the harder it became to open the subject.

Now he keeps repeating that he loves me and that he will always try to understand etc....And I don't know what to say. That it's not that am afraid of him, that he's just a lot more fun when he's in a good mood so I try not to upset him if I don't absolutely have to?

Isn't it strange that I am the one who was caught lying but HE'S the one who is worried about losing my trust? I have to admit that I wasn't taking this very seriously to start with. It didn't seem like a very big deal. But the fact that he's so concerned about it is making me nervous. Now am wondering if this means we have an unhealthy relationship and agonizing over why I feel the need to keep things from him, if it means we're growing apart etc....

A part of me has grown very cynical and keeps telling me that I was too idealistic when I thought we could talk about everything, that I will need some privacy and so will he and there were will always be things that are better left unsaid. Marriage - even a happy, loving marriage - is not the monumental change I once thought it would be. There is no one that you can share everything with. You will always have to keep something for yourself. This part of me accepts that there might be things about him that I don't know and that despite that I can still trust him because no matter what he might be hiding I know he wouldn't betray me or stab me in the back and that's the most important thing.

So I can't find it in me to promise him that it won't happen again like he wants me to. It just doesn't seem very realistic to promise things like that anymore. But how do you say that?How do you ask someone to accept that there maybe times when you may have your reasons for not telling them the truth and yet you would not appreciate it if they didn't trust you anymore?



Blogger Leilouta said...

I don’t know why this comes to my mind first, but I am very happy that men don’t share every single thing with us especially when it comes to sex/attraction. I have a great husband who doesn’t care about porn and doesn’t drool over every pretty woman. Even when I jokingly ask him sometimes if he ever thinks about other women when in bed with me, he answers never. But then I hear from all the other guys that everybody does in a certain way….
I don’t think he does and I don’t want to know if he does…
Personally I don’t think we should share every single thing in this world with anyone. There are always a few things we should leave to ourselves, and some of them we probably wouldn’t even admit to ourselves.

7/29/2006 04:27:00 AM  
Blogger tooners said...

I'm not one for telling 'white lies'. I think it's easy to get carried away w/ these and before you know it, the lies are coming as fast as the truth, which I think can be hurtful. The women here in the Gulf, from the ones I've spoken to, tend to lie a lot to their husbands about the slightest of things - shopping (what they buy), where they go, etc. - and I'm not for that.

But, I do think there are things (secrets) that can sometimes be taken the wrong way and be hurtful, therefore, it's easier to keep these things to yourself. Sometimes spilling the beans about everything isn't always the best thing to do. Altho, hiding everything isn't good either. I think truthful and honest relationships are the best.... altho, like leilouta, if my husband is thinking those things, I wouldn't want to know either.

Most men say it happens but my husband, like leilouta's, says he doesn't. Whose to say, but I know I don't want to know.

7/29/2006 11:17:00 AM  
Blogger Alina said...

Lou, I agree you cannot share everything. There are feelings ans impessions that are only your own. But when it comes to telling things of keeping them, i guess it is what you said, cowardice and lazyness, not the inability to share. I guess you should tell your cynical side to shut up from time to time and try to share as much as you can.

It is better to have him upset and moving on from time to time than to think he actually can't handle and your being together depends on keeping some aspects of your life secret.

7/29/2006 12:43:00 PM  
Blogger N said...

I've read your entire blog (well, most of it) over the weekend. It's so simple and real, it was like reading a book you can't put down... I think you have a lot to be proud of getting through this past year (see, i have prespective as i read it chronologically in practically 48 hrs).
You're great, persevere.

7/31/2006 03:19:00 PM  
Blogger Twosret said...

I highly recommend transparent relationship with NOTHING to hide. There are things that you can keep to yourself that won't affect your marriage but I would be very careful not to be completely open when it comes to marriage.

Best wishes

8/01/2006 08:46:00 AM  
Blogger Gilgamish said...

Not everyone appreciates total honesty, sometimes i get to my stomach when i keep explaining, so i take the option for not explaining or not telling what i sincerely want to say, but what kind of a lie is it anyways, what kind of a white lie is it? probably asking alot...but i am sure you know what you doing.

8/02/2006 07:04:00 AM  
Blogger Herlock Sholmes said...

Ther is no such thing as a "white lie". Lies are lies.

Lies are necessary for life to go on.

8/02/2006 03:11:00 PM  
Blogger 2 B || ! 2 B ® said...

Utopia, that’s the term you are trying to reach, yet you can’t reach it alone or at least you will not reach while you are still afraid of something, not as frighten but more like you have impurities which might create some obstacles in between you and your utopia.

Wow it sounds like very sophisticated words, but what I meant is just simple, if you really share TRUE PURE love with THE ONE; you will find all these things are going smoothly because:

Love is patient, and love is kind,
it is not jealous or prideful
love is not rude,
it is not selfish,
it is never angry, it is not happy with evil,
love is not happy with lies, but rejoices in the truth.

Love never gives up,
love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,
endures all things.

Love never fails.

And these are not an empty words…just imagine you find your loved one who extending his hands to you when you fall instead of questioning you (may be expecting you to explain when you are ready!), for sure you will do the same to him- at least you will cherish his attitude and try to meet his expectations, moreover after a while you will have this thing going stronger between you both back and forth…

Go the extra mile and someday you will find THE ONE who will go more miles just for you :)

8/02/2006 11:38:00 PM  

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