I think saying that am an active blogger jinxed it or something. It feels like it's been so long since I wrote anything - except for work. Infact am going through a phase of illiteracy these days. I write less & I don't read at all. Haven't actually read a book since ages before the wedding. Haven't even started one. Starting to feel like an ignormous because I meet people & everyone is talking about some book they all read except me.
Can't seem to fit everything into my days anymore. The reason is that I used to get so much done at night. Now staying up all night is not an option anymore because my husband feels he has to stay up with me & I really can't deprive him of his sleep everyday.
And things are getting so hectic at work. My promotion was supposed to be a higher grade but at the same position & with the same job description. I don't have a new job title. I guess I was silly to assume that means no new responsibilites. Things have really changed at work. More meetings. More direct contact with clients, auditors, vendors, lawyers - people my manager used to handle before. And after my last trip to Germany am a certified instructor for some courses so now am responsible for some training programs. That is really new to me. I mean what am used is being asked to give a two hour lecture to some trainees. The lecture is usually already prepared with examples & everything. So I essentially just go through it & then take questions & am done. But now they tell me we have 4 people on 6 months internships so what do you think they need to learn? And I have to design a comprehensive training program, tasks, daily schedule etc...And I have to monitor them & evaluate them. It is overwhelming. Like constantly being tested. I must admit all this people interaction is uncharted waters for me. For years I've been a purely technical person. What are the requirements? Then it's me & my team & my system & that's it. Now I have all these new responsibilities in addition to what I used to do before.
It's making me so worried & stressed out. When I go home now instead of going out or blogging or reading I find myself working. I don't even have time to talk to my friends on the phone like before because am always taking calls for work. So far I've managed not to let it affect my marriage because my husband works two shifts. He doesn't get home until about 9:00pm so that gives me from 5:00pm onwards. When he comes home I switch off my cell & try to forget work. We miss each other so much all day that at night we don't want to see anyone else. And we want to have the weekends to ourselves too.
This is costing me my social life to a very big extent. I don't have time for friends or for myself anymore. Not even time to think. In a way that has been good for me. In light of recent events, being busy & not having time to obssess probably saved me from going into a deep depression. But this new pattern that my life is falling into is making me worried about the future. How am I going to manage when we decide to have kids? I only have 40 days maternity leave. Then what am I going to do with a 40-day-old baby?
It's weird the way everything in my life is happening at the same time. My career is actually going very well these days. And I worked very hard to prove myself & get to this position. But why couldn't it have happened when I was still single?I remember how frustrated I was by the way I was being passed over for promotions because am a woman or because am not a local etc....And I hated seeing the best projects go to other people for the same reasons more or less. Now all these problems have vanished. The management changed & the company's policy changed & am one of the first people to feel the benefits of that. I should be pleased & I am.
And I also remember how sad & lonely I used to get when I'd start thinking what if I never find love?What if I never meet the right person?And now that concern has vanished too. And of course I am pleased & grateful for that too.
But am really starting to worry about how am going to keep these two parts of my life from clashing with each other. And what exactly that is going to cost me in other respects. Colleagues tell me that in time I'll settle down into the new position & feel less overwhelmed & manage my time better. This is what I keep hoping & praying for.