Saturday, March 18, 2006

Hectic

I think saying that am an active blogger jinxed it or something. It feels like it's been so long since I wrote anything - except for work. Infact am going through a phase of illiteracy these days. I write less & I don't read at all. Haven't actually read a book since ages before the wedding. Haven't even started one. Starting to feel like an ignormous because I meet people & everyone is talking about some book they all read except me.

Can't seem to fit everything into my days anymore. The reason is that I used to get so much done at night. Now staying up all night is not an option anymore because my husband feels he has to stay up with me & I really can't deprive him of his sleep everyday.

And things are getting so hectic at work. My promotion was supposed to be a higher grade but at the same position & with the same job description. I don't have a new job title. I guess I was silly to assume that means no new responsibilites. Things have really changed at work. More meetings. More direct contact with clients, auditors, vendors, lawyers - people my manager used to handle before. And after my last trip to Germany am a certified instructor for some courses so now am responsible for some training programs. That is really new to me. I mean what am used is being asked to give a two hour lecture to some trainees. The lecture is usually already prepared with examples & everything. So I essentially just go through it & then take questions & am done. But now they tell me we have 4 people on 6 months internships so what do you think they need to learn? And I have to design a comprehensive training program, tasks, daily schedule etc...And I have to monitor them & evaluate them. It is overwhelming. Like constantly being tested. I must admit all this people interaction is uncharted waters for me. For years I've been a purely technical person. What are the requirements? Then it's me & my team & my system & that's it. Now I have all these new responsibilities in addition to what I used to do before.

It's making me so worried & stressed out. When I go home now instead of going out or blogging or reading I find myself working. I don't even have time to talk to my friends on the phone like before because am always taking calls for work. So far I've managed not to let it affect my marriage because my husband works two shifts. He doesn't get home until about 9:00pm so that gives me from 5:00pm onwards. When he comes home I switch off my cell & try to forget work. We miss each other so much all day that at night we don't want to see anyone else. And we want to have the weekends to ourselves too.

This is costing me my social life to a very big extent. I don't have time for friends or for myself anymore. Not even time to think. In a way that has been good for me. In light of recent events, being busy & not having time to obssess probably saved me from going into a deep depression. But this new pattern that my life is falling into is making me worried about the future. How am I going to manage when we decide to have kids? I only have 40 days maternity leave. Then what am I going to do with a 40-day-old baby?

It's weird the way everything in my life is happening at the same time. My career is actually going very well these days. And I worked very hard to prove myself & get to this position. But why couldn't it have happened when I was still single?I remember how frustrated I was by the way I was being passed over for promotions because am a woman or because am not a local etc....And I hated seeing the best projects go to other people for the same reasons more or less. Now all these problems have vanished. The management changed & the company's policy changed & am one of the first people to feel the benefits of that. I should be pleased & I am.

And I also remember how sad & lonely I used to get when I'd start thinking what if I never find love?What if I never meet the right person?And now that concern has vanished too. And of course I am pleased & grateful for that too.

But am really starting to worry about how am going to keep these two parts of my life from clashing with each other. And what exactly that is going to cost me in other respects. Colleagues tell me that in time I'll settle down into the new position & feel less overwhelmed & manage my time better. This is what I keep hoping & praying for.

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7 Comments:

Blogger doshar said...

I think that you will get used to the new load at work quite quickly, and will have time for more of you.

as you said... your husband works too shifts, i don't think that will change soon, so you will always have a few hours for yourself. and soon you will be able to delegate some things here and there.

As for the kids thing; it usually works itself out somehow. my advice is: do not cross your bridges till you get to them. It would be worry with no benifit.

when you do get a kid ISA and he is 40 days old, you might find things changing somehow. Maybe they will give you more leave, maybe you can arange for part time... etc.

just don't worry about it till you are like 8 months pregnant masalan. hatta el worry is not good for the baby :)

one of my friends just had a baby... and she too had a 50 day leave only, and they are on their way to being over. She is thinking of asking them for more leave...or actually leaving them altogether (That is also because she had hated that company anyway).

thing is... things work themselves out... and in the end you will do whatever is best for the baby.

3/18/2006 01:22:00 PM  
Blogger roora said...

I think you just need time to settle down in your work , and your new life.
It just all happened together that is why it is hectic and you feel that you have no time for your self.

But elhamdAllah that you had this post before getting a baby where you still own your time a bit and thanks God that K.'s work is till 9 PM so he doesn't claim about your work either.

But my advice to you , when you have a child ISA , prioritize ! Which is more important and by that time you will be in your new post for some time that you are experienced for a year in same position that even if you left the post , you will find a similar one ISA when you can in a similar company ISA.

STill not its time to talk about pr think about it. But I believe that everything should take its right, and its right space in our lives. If we go too much in one area the other sides will be dropped , and this may cause some sort of imbalance in our lives.

Rabena m3aki ISA :)

3/18/2006 06:08:00 PM  
Blogger GC said...

Hey, thanks for adding me on your blog roll. You're the first one to do that, do you know that? I'm such a lasy blogger there are 100 things I want to write about but still I can't find enough time to do that. Now that you put me there, I'll just have to find the time to do that more often :)

3/18/2006 07:42:00 PM  
Blogger Rain said...

I agree with doshar and roora.
Don't worry now... when it's time to choose , u'll pick the correct choice according to ur current state and surroundings , u'll simply know what's the right thing to do and u'll compromise.
Best wishes :).

3/18/2006 11:10:00 PM  
Blogger Safiya said...

To use another quotation:
"I have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened."
- Mark Twain

From the sounds of things, you're still adjusting to all your new roles, but you have your priorities sorted, so that will help in the long run.

As for having kids, sometimes it's hard to plan for these things before they happen, as you may feel very differently when the time comes, so don't worry too much.

Thank you for adding me to your blog roll. I can see I'm in some truly illustrious company!

3/19/2006 01:12:00 AM  
Blogger Nerro said...

"I think saying that am an active blogger jinxed it or something" LOL..ya benty it is my spell aslan ;-) Things will settle eventually don't worry and over-stress urself about it...best of luck ya Loul :)

3/19/2006 11:49:00 AM  
Blogger Cliche~ said...

U ll get faster..and u wont keep on spending 4 hrs of HOMEWORK each night.... right now ur deadline is 9 pm for finishing ur HW... gradually decrease it..maslan by 10 minutes per day...and be strict w urself Soon u ll find urself getting faster n faster at ur work...

If u set urself a quota of 5 minutes of reading per day IT LL MAKE U FEEL REALLY GOOD....for now i recommend a light fun read... "THE UNDOMESTIC GODDESS" by Sohpie Kinsella..its light hearted & hilarious..

3/20/2006 06:29:00 PM  

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