Big Deal

The thing about marriage is that there aren't really any. Milestones, I mean. Or highlights. Everytime I think today is happiest day of my life, it turns out that it isn't. That another happier day will come along. And then another. And eventually, the first day will be forgotten.

It's the same for the bad things. You think you hit rock bottom. You think this is it. The marriage is on the rocks. Things are so bad the marriage can't possibly survive. Then you find that it can. That YOU can, that you can take a lot more before you give up. Sometimes it's scary going down this slope. You start wondering how much am I really willing to put up with? Anything? Am I so totally powerless infront of my partner that he can do essentially anything and I will forgive? Do I have any red lines at all? If so, where are they?

I can't remember ever getting as angry with someone as I get with my husband sometimes & still being on speaking terms with them afterwards. Is it love? Old age? What?

Or is it the institution of marriage itself? When you live together, when there's such little physical or emotional privacy, well there's a limit to how long you can both bear to be miserable and make your partner miserable. You get to a point where neither one of you can stand the tension anymore.

So he flirts with my friends. I stay out late. He blows his top & starts yelling about divorce. I come back but I am so angry that for days & days, I am churlish, abusive, rude, you name it. Passive aggressive, like one of my commentators called it. And he puts up with it, refuses to be provoked, refuses to let me have the fight I so badly want. Beyond occasionally asking something along the line of 'wana hafdal saybik tishtimeeni kida kteer?'(Am I going to have to put up with you insulting me for much longer?) he essentially takes whatever I dish out.

Then one day I get what I want. I push him too far & we have that screaming match.We wake up the neighborhood. And despite the fact that the things he said were much worse than the things he said the first time he blew his top & started yelling, I find myself feeling better the next day.

Except now HE'S upset & feels I went too far & should make it up to him. So I do. Because I can't take anymore confrontation. And because frankly I miss him. I miss feeling comfortable with him. I miss having the freedom to call on his love & support anytime I need it. It's weird but less than one year of marriage & suddenly having to get through a single day without somehow touching base with your partner becomes a daunting prospect. I miss simple things like sharing a laugh.

So the incident winds down with me taking responsibility and apologizing because this story had to end. He still hasn't apologized in any meaningful manner. He admits that he may have behaved badly but I guess he feels my bad behavior somehow cancels his bad behavior. Whatever. It doesn't matter anymore.

Strangely enough, none of it seems like such a big deal anymore. Maybe it's the cold? He was rather sweet when I had my cold. And it was such a horrible cold that I don't think my system could have handled marital strife on top of it.