Saturday, December 23, 2006

Big Deal

The thing about marriage is that there aren't really any. Milestones, I mean. Or highlights. Everytime I think today is happiest day of my life, it turns out that it isn't. That another happier day will come along. And then another. And eventually, the first day will be forgotten.

It's the same for the bad things. You think you hit rock bottom. You think this is it. The marriage is on the rocks. Things are so bad the marriage can't possibly survive. Then you find that it can. That YOU can, that you can take a lot more before you give up. Sometimes it's scary going down this slope. You start wondering how much am I really willing to put up with? Anything? Am I so totally powerless infront of my partner that he can do essentially anything and I will forgive? Do I have any red lines at all? If so, where are they?

I can't remember ever getting as angry with someone as I get with my husband sometimes & still being on speaking terms with them afterwards. Is it love? Old age? What?

Or is it the institution of marriage itself? When you live together, when there's such little physical or emotional privacy, well there's a limit to how long you can both bear to be miserable and make your partner miserable. You get to a point where neither one of you can stand the tension anymore.

So he flirts with my friends. I stay out late. He blows his top & starts yelling about divorce. I come back but I am so angry that for days & days, I am churlish, abusive, rude, you name it. Passive aggressive, like one of my commentators called it. And he puts up with it, refuses to be provoked, refuses to let me have the fight I so badly want. Beyond occasionally asking something along the line of 'wana hafdal saybik tishtimeeni kida kteer?'(Am I going to have to put up with you insulting me for much longer?) he essentially takes whatever I dish out.

Then one day I get what I want. I push him too far & we have that screaming match.We wake up the neighborhood. And despite the fact that the things he said were much worse than the things he said the first time he blew his top & started yelling, I find myself feeling better the next day.

Except now HE'S upset & feels I went too far & should make it up to him. So I do. Because I can't take anymore confrontation. And because frankly I miss him. I miss feeling comfortable with him. I miss having the freedom to call on his love & support anytime I need it. It's weird but less than one year of marriage & suddenly having to get through a single day without somehow touching base with your partner becomes a daunting prospect. I miss simple things like sharing a laugh.

So the incident winds down with me taking responsibility and apologizing because this story had to end. He still hasn't apologized in any meaningful manner. He admits that he may have behaved badly but I guess he feels my bad behavior somehow cancels his bad behavior. Whatever. It doesn't matter anymore.

Strangely enough, none of it seems like such a big deal anymore. Maybe it's the cold? He was rather sweet when I had my cold. And it was such a horrible cold that I don't think my system could have handled marital strife on top of it.



Blogger Safiya said...

Aww, I'm glad things are better, alhamdulilah.

There's something about marriage that gives you the space to do things things and have these emotions, however extreme they might be at the time.

12/23/2006 02:33:00 AM  
Blogger Puppy said...

Most we hurt people we love. And mostly we allow and forgive insults from people we love, than from anyone else. Call it marriage, call it love, but that is was happening with everyone. Going out at night and not spending night at home wasn’t a good idea, however you might think you had right to be angry and do what u wanted. May be its not the way marriage operates, may be it would be better after each mistake/misbehavior you note, you wont react the way u prefer, instead you deliver the message to him and make him very very sorry of his actions and him making sure that wont happen again. Instead you were leaving and by this giving him trump to cover all your future concerns when going back to the subject.

Marriage is an institute, you learn every day, and what it makes you successful is to avoid same mistakes, analyze them and find better solution, compromise if needed, and all that per my opinion will make you successfully graduate from that institute.

And I think there is no need to be angry on yourself or someone you love because you forgive lots of made mistakes, that u have never forgave to any other person in the past, that doesn’t call “absence of red lines” it just called love.

Life is too short to spend it on arguments, come on LouLou, take it easy, at least try. Forget the issue and take a lesson from it.

Wishing you all the best and happy holidays


12/23/2006 03:44:00 PM  
Blogger candygirl said...

hey loulou

try reading what the Quran says about marriage...if you follow Islam all yr problems will be solved insha'Allah.

12/24/2006 01:33:00 AM  
Blogger Forsoothsayer said...

i suppose you know that ya'll crazy as shit? but frankly, now that i'm no longer with m, i begin to see that smoothness at harmony are not the norm for most relationships khales...

12/24/2006 02:54:00 AM  
Blogger Haroun El Poussah said...

Nice that this episode is now over. Marriages are like that. Good days, bad days. The important thing is that 50 years later, you can say with confidence that the good days were more than the bad days

12/24/2006 12:13:00 PM  
Blogger French Kitty said...

Somebody once said that "happiness is just a state of mind." I believe that. It's a serious of states and we should all do what we can to keep them coming. I came a long way from home to live in a place I don't love with the one I love and now he's left me. I sometimes don't know how to get through the day or what kind of future I see for myself. I only know that life is just too short to spend it angry. Hang in there.

12/24/2006 02:32:00 PM  

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