Pathetic

Yesterday I dragged myself home from the office and the minute I walked in through the door, I felt claustrophobic. I didn't want to be there. The urge to find someplace else to go was still pretty strong.

To suppress it, I kept myself busy around the house. I cleaned out my closet, did my washing, scrubbed the two bathrooms, vaccumed, polished furniture, the works. When I couldn't find anymore chores to do, I felt hungry. So I made myself a sandwich and a salad. Spent ages slicing vegetables for the salad. Then I made strawberry juice. Took everything out onto the balcony.

After I was done eating, sitting still made me start to feel cold. And I stank of bathroom bleach, funiture polish, window cleaner etc....I looked at my hands and of course they were all dry and flaky from all the products. I hadn't bothered with gloves.

So the answer to the question what to do next seemed obvious. I needed a bath. I ran myself a bubble bath, pushed my hair out of the the way over the edge of the bathtub because the soapy products I use on my skin would overdry my hair & make it even more difficult to control. I figured I can shampoo it later.

Couldn't relax though. Was still too hyper & tense. And I felt the depression coming back. All of a sudden, the water felt suffocatingly hot. Was about to get up & rinse when he walked in on me.

I hadn't realized I'd managed to waste so much time. He was back from work already. I didn't look at him. And he didn't say anything. I was expecting him to leave. Instead, he went over to the sink & I heard running water. Probably shaving.

I kept my eyes closed thinking please don't let him say anything, I can't take anything etc....I was quietly working myself into a panic in there.

The next minute he was sitting on the edge of the bathtub - next to me, asking if I was asleep in there. I said no. Then we both fell silent. He reached out, picked up a strand of my hair & started playing with it. I lay there watching him twist it around his fingers.

And I had to keep reminding myself that my hair is not an erogenous zone, that it is entirely composed of dead fibrous tissue and there is therefore no scientific justification for the way I could feel myself responding. My hormones had other thoughts.

When he let go of my hair, his hand was in the water, bursting bubbles. And he started talking. Don't ask me what he was saying though. I was completely fixated on his hand, moving in the water, inches away from my skin. All I could think about was when & where he was going to touch me.

He didn't though. He's nothing if not a tease. A few minutes later, he removed his hand, stood up. Part of me was frustrated & disappointed. Another part breathed a sigh of relief. He was going to leave me alone. And I had managed not to disgrace myself.

No such luck. He pulled the plug and all my bathwater started draining away. Quite disconcerting given the fact that bathwater & bubbles was all the covering I had access to. I said I'd like to finish my bath. And he said he wanted to see me - as if that was self-explanatory.

I did try to put up a fight. I told him that sex isn't the answer to everything, that we have issues to resolve, that I'll hate him in the morning etc.....But I don't advise anyone to bet on my chances in this sort of fight.

Can't say I was surprised though. He rarely has to exert any effort to seduce me. Usually, all he has to do is be in the vicinity & breathe normally. I think that's part of the reason why I run away from him when am angry. We get into this cycle where am mad at him but am still sleeping with him. And everytime we have sex and he doesn't apologize or change his position afterwards, I end up feeling that much worse about myself, about him & about the entire situation. He can go on like that for ages. But I find myself close to a nervous breakdown after a few days of it.

Like right now. I mean, he flirts with my friends, he threatens to dump me, he won't even apologize properly & what do I do? I sleep with him. I'm so pathetic. How can I expect that he would have any respect for me when I can't seem to show any SPINE? Of course he'll just keep walking all over me. Of course he will. He's a man. They're all bastards.