Allergic to Sleep

Didn't get any sleep last night. Not a wink. Just lay there all night listening to my husband breathe - too exhausted to move or do anything positive but too hyper to sleep. Miserable night. I think I teared up a couple of times. Wouldn't be the first time I ever cried from insomnia, from this horrible sensation of not being able to unwind, night after night. I hate it.

I'd almost forgotten what it was like. Why did it come back? I really thought it was gone for good.

When I heard the call for Fajr(Dawn prayer), I waited for him to wake up & find me. I wanted too much to be found. That's the worst thing about these attacks. The loneliness. Being left behind long after everyone else has gone to sleep. And I can't stand being alone. It's like a phobia.

As luck would have it, he didn't get up for Fajr today. He missed it. Poor thing. He hasn't been sleeping much either the last couple of days. Trying to keep me company. He wanted to give me sleeping pills but I declined. Hypnotic drugs he calls them. Never heard them called that before. I've tried sleeping pills before. They work for a little while then they stop. I develop a tolerance for them or something. Short of outright anaesthetics, I doubt that anything can knock me down for long.

I think that's when I started crying. When I realized he wasn't going to get up for the prayer & I would have to be alone for God knows how many hours more when his alarm goes off & he gets up for work.

But really, why did it come back? Marriage made it go away for a while. Regular sex helped I think. And also being held, having someone sleeping in the same bed was very soothing. But not anymore. So what does it mean? That I developed a tolerance for these things too? Like the sleeping pills?

My mother said that maybe Ramadan disrupted my sleeping patterns. Or, she said, with winter coming, I might be reacting to the change in climate. She remembers that happening to me when I was little.

All the doctors I've ever seen have told me basically that chronic insomnia can only be treated if you treat the causes. That it's like an allergy. You have to find out what causes it.

Well I don't know what causes it. What I know is that after spending all day in bed today trying to relax & sleep, I finally managed to fall asleep just before midnight. Now it's 1:30am & am wide awake, blogging. Less than an hour. Less than an hour of sleep in 72 hrs.

My husband has 9 hrs of surgery tomorrow. I had to let him get some rest.

This can go on for days & days. Last night I prayed & prayed that it wouldn't last long. I will do the same tonight.