Thursday, October 05, 2006

It's Official

I dislike my husband's best friends. I have been in denial, not wanting to admit that even to myself. It's more than the fact that I don't have much in common with them, that I get bored etc...I seriously dislike their attitude to life & to women. They represent a lifestyle that is essentially foreign to mine. And what really disturbs me is that I know that lifestyle was once his. Being with them is like seeing a side of him that I would rather not see.

I don't want to sound like a religious prude but they are too wild, too Bohemian. And they somehow manage to combine this with a decidedly hypocritical, chauvinistic attitude that often has me gritting my teeth. Sometimes I wonder if this is what he's used to, then won't he reach a point where he finds our present life too boring, too restricting? Am I supposed to compensate for the excitement & adventure? How can I compete?

The first incident that really alarmed me happened a few days after he came for dinner at my brother's. At the time, I was so much in love & so stressed out about our future, whether I would have to leave & whether my family would like him etc....that I just blotted it out of my mind & refused to think about it until quite recently.

We went out clubbing with his friends. One of them A. had a date. I knew the girl. I'd met her a few times before at parties through mutual friends. They all had a few drinks. And then the girl looks at another guy B. - who is incidentally my husband's best friend - & tells her date you know what, I like B. better. Upon which B. instantly grabs her & French-kisses her.

I was shocked. I started looking around to see if anyone was watching. This kind of public display is scary in Abu Dhabi. But I was the only one who was disturbed. They all burst out laughing. Even A. He just told B. what?again?Come on man or something like that. And the girl ended up leaving with B. They all seemed to think it's really funny & started recounting incidents in the past where they stole each other's dates etc...

I remember feeling so disturbed that I wanted to leave early. We went for a drive & we talked about it. I was trying to get him to comment on what happened. And I got frustrated because he wouldn't say much beyond the fact that if all 3 of them weren't bothered, it was none of our business etc...When I kept pushing him to tell me if he thought this kind of behavior was normal, if he'd done that sort of thing etc..., he just said something to the effect that I shouldn't think he'd always been an angel or anything but that he loves me & is committed to our relationship. And he refused to get into any specifics. Except to give me that tired, old chauvinistic line about how I shouldn't compare myself to these girls because it's like apples & oranges etc...And I got pissed off & told him I wasn't comparing myself to the girls, I was comparing him to the guys & I wanted to know where he stood. We fought & fought about it & then we just let it drop.

The same girl kept dating B. for a few months after that. And they went out with us a few times before & after our marriage. And although I hope I never let it show, I was never completely comfortable with that situation. It was too much of a culture shock I guess.

After K & I had our katb ketab, he went on a camping trip with the same bunch of guys. And he came back teasing me about a Morrocan girl who tried to pick him up etc...He was trying to make me jealous. And he was being so obvious about it I just cracked up. I didn't take it seriously. But then I found out that since he wasn't interested, the girl ended up with the same guy B. And she was staying at his apartment while she looked for accomodation since she'd just moved from Dubai to Abu Dhabi. It was this crazy situation where I was expected to socialize with a girl from my country, my hometown even, a supposedly Arab, Muslim girl who tried to pick up my husband and was currently living with his best friend who was also sleeping with another girl who had initially been the date of another friend of theirs who was part of the same social circle & who was sleeping with someone else! And again, the entire situation was an open joke that no one was particularly embarrassed about! This time I told him it had to stop. I didn't want this girl anywhere around us. He told me not to worry, that knowing B.'s track record, she won't last long. And she didn't. And he couldn't understand why I kept nagging when in his opinion, the situation had resolved itself. That simple!

The other guy A. once came along on a trip to Dubai with me & K & some of my girlfriends & he was hitting on my friend D. so heavily she complained to me. And I told K. K told him that am his wife & she's my friend & to leave her alone. And the guy backed off. Out of respect for K & the Male Chauvinistic Brotherhood, definitely not out of respect for me or my friend.

These guys will talk openly about threesomes & foursomes. When K was last in Sweden taking his exam, two of these guys flew there with him. Apparently they spent a week in Sweden & then they went on a tour of Europe. The tour they came back from with reports of orgies etc...Some of the girls they met on that tour have since been here visiting.

And I never asked the questions because frankly if my husband had ever been part of that life I don't want to know it. I made it a point never to grill him too deeply about his past because what I learn will bother me & what's the point when it's over & done with?

But now I'm not comfortable with the fact that he's still so close to people who live like that. They don't fast. They never did. They all come from families which are not practicing Muslims. They like dangerous sports. They're all heavy drinkers - even in Ramadan. They all drive motorcycles & I'm always scared stiff when he's out on his bike with them because they're so reckless.

I know he's different. His family is more like mine. He was raised religious. He doesn't drink. He prays & fasts. But still it bothers me that these are the only people he seems to get along with.

I know I shouldn't say this & I have no idea what to do about it but I wish he would make different friends. These people make me nervous. I don't want them to be part of my life.



Blogger programmer craig said...

Hi LouLou,

I used to hang out with people somewhat like that when I was in the Marines I guess. But not quite so bad. And to be honest, it's a very, very rare thing to say people are wilder in their behavior than US Marines! I don't really know what to tell you... but my guess is that the alcohol is probably a big part of that lifestyle.

Most people settle down when they get married, and gradually lose contact with their single friends. It sounds like your hubby is trying to have all the fun he had when he was single and still have all the stability that comes from being married. I think he'll eventually realize he can't continue like that.

I wouldn't worry about it so much though... if he really wanted to maintain that lifestyle, he wouldn't have married you :)

10/06/2006 10:14:00 AM  
Blogger Alina said...

Lou, I think what you should do is try not to be around them. Your husband would not really be keen on being like them and still be married to you, in my opinion. But you cannot impose friends on him, it's his choice who he befriends with. I don't think he'd act differently if you were not around, but I do think you would not be so much exposed to something that clearly upsets you.

10/06/2006 06:30:00 PM  
Blogger 2 B || ! 2 B ® said...

Loulou, all these stuff will pass but wa7da wa7da, and i think K is already as you mentioned managed to live safe with his friends' adventures, so it implies that if he wanted to do else he had the opprtunity but he decided not to do, so 7oty fee batnik batee7'a saify it's all a matter of time :)

ahhh, one more thing, mat7ouish al 3ou2da fee al monshar zay ma bey2olo, ya3ni mesh tou7ty rasek be rashom :) eventually all what you want will come true, just give it some time.

BTW, this life style ainn't that bad after all :) - but not to live forever with :)

10/06/2006 08:42:00 PM  
Blogger tooners said...

these guys sound very immature. may take them a while to really settle down and even then, they sound like the kind to possibly have affairs and such on their wives. who knows.. maybe they'll change once they marry or something, but i'm somewhat doubting it.

this whole thing w/ bragging... i don't get it. it's almost as if they want to shock you or something, and to brag about orgies in front of you, it's just rude.

and.. just because your husband has friends like this doesn't mean he did the same things. maybe he lives out wild things thru them or something... or did that in the past.

10/08/2006 01:40:00 PM  

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