Me : You can stop worrying. Am not pregnant.
Him: Howa ana fata7t bo2i?Inti eh bitgori shakal kida 3ala akhr el-lail?(He's saying he didn't say anything, that I'm just looking for a fight.)
Me : And even if I was I'd get rid of it if you didn't want it.
Him: Ba2oolik eh tisba7i 3ala khair.(Good night)
Me : Winta min ahlo.(Good night back)
But we didn't sleep. I didn't. And I could tell from his breathing he was awake too. I got up about 40 minutes later and went into the kitchen to have a smoke.
I know I blogged once that I was thinking of getting pregnant without telling him but that lasted about an hour. I wouldn't really do something like that. And I never said it to him. Or to anyone not virtual actually. It was just a thought.
So it's really starting to get on my nerves the way he sometimes acts as if he doesn't trust me not to go ahead and do that. I played dumb and pretended not to notice a few times because I had a guilty conscience I guess. I knew the thought passed through my mind. But come on he's not a mind-reader. And we can't all be punished for our thoughts - especially if we never acted on them.
Him : Mish 3arif ezay inti mosamima tkhalifi winti assassan mish 3ayza tbatali tadkheen.(I don't know how you insist on having kids when you won't stop smoking.)
Me : I hardly smoke anymore. Only when something upsets me. This is not the reason we can't have kids so don't try to make it sound like that's my fault.
Him : Mish 3arif ya3ni ana biytahaya'ali ini kalami kan wadi7. (I don't know. I thought what I said was clear.)
Me : Tayeb. I3tabirni wa7da ghabiya ma afham yassidi.(Fine. Consider me an idiot) because I really don't get your point here
Him : Very simple. I hate it when you smoke, I'm sick of fighting about kids and don't start crying on me or I'll really do something crazy.
Me : No I won't start crying.
Him : And please don't try to leave the house on your own. It's almost 2 in the morning.
Me : Yes sir. Anything else?
Him : Yeah. Come back to bed and get some sleep. It's getting late.
Me : Do you think we'll ever be able to talk about kids without fighting?
Him : Not while your idea of having a conversation includes accusing me of wanting you to have an abortion.
Me : You can't imagine a situation where you would want me to have an abortion?
Him : La. Ma3andeesh ana elkalam da. 7amil el7amdullilah. Mish 7amil a7san wi el7amdullilah bardo. (No. I don't believe in that. If you'e pregnant el7amdullilah(thank god). If you're not it's better and el7amdullilah(thank god) also.)
Me : A7san(better)? Don't you want to be a father?
Him : Tab3an(Of course). Bas mish dilwa2ti(But not now). Mish shayfa in i7na itkalimna filmowdoo3 abl kida kteer?(Don't you think we talked about it a lot?)
Me : Not really. We fight about it a lot. We never talk about it. I don't know how many children you want to have. Or if you prefer boys or girls. Or what names you want to give them. Or if you even care about any of those things.
Him : Wi eh kaman?
Me : I want to have your baby very, very badly. But not enough to do it behind your back. I want you to be happy and I want you to love our children. You know why I'm saying that.
Him : Khalas ana fihimt 2asdik.(Ok I know what you mean.)
Me : So do you want to have this conversation?
Him : 7abibti 3ashan khatri nikamil kalamna ba3dain.(Please let's talk about it later) Ana 3arif ini di qisa taweela wana khalas mish adir wi 3andi shugl elsob7 inti 3arfa.(It's a long story and I'm tired and I have work in the morning.)
Was he running away?Avoiding the subject?
Me : Ok fine I'll let you go. Yalla sweet dreams.
Him : Come with me. I don't want you up all night obssessing about it. Ana 3arif ini da hayitla3 ala dimaghi ana bokra. (He knows he will pay for it if that happens)Yalla 3ashan tinami yimkin rabena yihdeeki.(Basically he's saying I should go to sleep and maybe Allah will guide me.)
Me : Rabena yihdeeki?(Allah guide me?)Laish ya3ni(Why)?Majnoona ana?(Am I crazy?)
Him : Fashar. Da inti 3a2lik yiwzin balad. (No)
I had a feeling he was making fun of me but I let it go. And I did go to bed with him. Strangely enough I fell asleep fairly quickly. Sometimes I lie there for hours, unable to sleep but not wanting to move and wake him.
This morning I woke up feeling exhausted and sleep-deprived. I didn't feel like going to work at all but here I am. Around 11:00am he sent me sms saying we will talk later. I hope we will.