Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Children Again

Me : You can stop worrying. Am not pregnant.
Him: Howa ana fata7t bo2i?Inti eh bitgori shakal kida 3ala akhr el-lail?(He's saying he didn't say anything, that I'm just looking for a fight.)
Me : And even if I was I'd get rid of it if you didn't want it.
Him: Ba2oolik eh tisba7i 3ala khair.(Good night)
Me : Winta min ahlo.(Good night back)

But we didn't sleep. I didn't. And I could tell from his breathing he was awake too. I got up about 40 minutes later and went into the kitchen to have a smoke.

I know I blogged once that I was thinking of getting pregnant without telling him but that lasted about an hour. I wouldn't really do something like that. And I never said it to him. Or to anyone not virtual actually. It was just a thought.

So it's really starting to get on my nerves the way he sometimes acts as if he doesn't trust me not to go ahead and do that. I played dumb and pretended not to notice a few times because I had a guilty conscience I guess. I knew the thought passed through my mind. But come on he's not a mind-reader. And we can't all be punished for our thoughts - especially if we never acted on them.

Him : Mish 3arif ezay inti mosamima tkhalifi winti assassan mish 3ayza tbatali tadkheen.(I don't know how you insist on having kids when you won't stop smoking.)
Me : I hardly smoke anymore. Only when something upsets me. This is not the reason we can't have kids so don't try to make it sound like that's my fault.
Him : Mish 3arif ya3ni ana biytahaya'ali ini kalami kan wadi7. (I don't know. I thought what I said was clear.)
Me : Tayeb. I3tabirni wa7da ghabiya ma afham yassidi.(Fine. Consider me an idiot) because I really don't get your point here
Him : Very simple. I hate it when you smoke, I'm sick of fighting about kids and don't start crying on me or I'll really do something crazy.
Me : No I won't start crying.
Him : And please don't try to leave the house on your own. It's almost 2 in the morning.
Me : Yes sir. Anything else?
Him : Yeah. Come back to bed and get some sleep. It's getting late.
Me : Do you think we'll ever be able to talk about kids without fighting?
Him : Not while your idea of having a conversation includes accusing me of wanting you to have an abortion.
Me : You can't imagine a situation where you would want me to have an abortion?
Him : La. Ma3andeesh ana elkalam da. 7amil el7amdullilah. Mish 7amil a7san wi el7amdullilah bardo. (No. I don't believe in that. If you'e pregnant el7amdullilah(thank god). If you're not it's better and el7amdullilah(thank god) also.)
Me : A7san(better)? Don't you want to be a father?
Him : Tab3an(Of course). Bas mish dilwa2ti(But not now). Mish shayfa in i7na itkalimna filmowdoo3 abl kida kteer?(Don't you think we talked about it a lot?)
Me : Not really. We fight about it a lot. We never talk about it. I don't know how many children you want to have. Or if you prefer boys or girls. Or what names you want to give them. Or if you even care about any of those things.
Him : Wi eh kaman?
Me : I want to have your baby very, very badly. But not enough to do it behind your back. I want you to be happy and I want you to love our children. You know why I'm saying that.
Him : Khalas ana fihimt 2asdik.(Ok I know what you mean.)
Me : So do you want to have this conversation?
Him : 7abibti 3ashan khatri nikamil kalamna ba3dain.(Please let's talk about it later) Ana 3arif ini di qisa taweela wana khalas mish adir wi 3andi shugl elsob7 inti 3arfa.(It's a long story and I'm tired and I have work in the morning.)

Was he running away?Avoiding the subject?

Me : Ok fine I'll let you go. Yalla sweet dreams.
Him : Come with me. I don't want you up all night obssessing about it. Ana 3arif ini da hayitla3 ala dimaghi ana bokra. (He knows he will pay for it if that happens)Yalla 3ashan tinami yimkin rabena yihdeeki.(Basically he's saying I should go to sleep and maybe Allah will guide me.)
Me : Rabena yihdeeki?(Allah guide me?)Laish ya3ni(Why)?Majnoona ana?(Am I crazy?)
Him : Fashar. Da inti 3a2lik yiwzin balad. (No)

I had a feeling he was making fun of me but I let it go. And I did go to bed with him. Strangely enough I fell asleep fairly quickly. Sometimes I lie there for hours, unable to sleep but not wanting to move and wake him.

This morning I woke up feeling exhausted and sleep-deprived. I didn't feel like going to work at all but here I am. Around 11:00am he sent me sms saying we will talk later. I hope we will.



Blogger N said...

Why are you so sure he doesn't want to have kids, whats making you that defensive? Is it something to do with how he reacted before?....

8/30/2006 04:29:00 PM  
Blogger roora said...

inshaaAllah kheir ya loulou, maybe he would be convinced inshaaAllah.'
i feel from your conversation that he is geeting softer about the topic.

8/30/2006 05:10:00 PM  
Blogger SYehia said...

Dont press about the subject it will come out eventully but remember the key to successful discussion is just about the timing. Take care and hopefully it will work out fine.

8/30/2006 05:24:00 PM  
Blogger Alina said...

Lou, hope you get to have that talk sometime soon and sort out all issues still pending. This is weighing quite hard on both of you from what I see and I'm sure you will both feel better afterwards. All the best to both of you :)

8/30/2006 06:28:00 PM  
Blogger Crazy Girl said...

Wow Lou..I hope you guys can find some kind of middle ground so that you both can be happy..

I've yet to meet an arab man that doesn't want his woman to be barefoot and pregnant the minute their married to prove his manhood. Thats pretty rare here in Arab land..

Kids are hard to deal with. I get stressed just spending a couple of days with my sister. I don't know how she does it. I really don't.

Inshaa Allah it will happen when your both ready.

Oh yeah don't feel guilty about have that thought. We all do it.

8/30/2006 09:10:00 PM  
Blogger LouLou said...


"Why are you so sure he doesn't want to have kids, whats making you that defensive?"

It's not as important for him as it is for me. This is the one issue where we don't seem to connect at all.

I know there are practical reasons why we can't have babies now. But waiting would be easier if I could feel that at least he's looking forward to that day as much as I am, if we could plan for it together, if he would share my dreams about it.

He keeps nagging about birth control, sometimes taking extra precautions even when I tell him there's no need. That hurts. Doesn't he trust me? And why act as if my getting pregnant is a disaster to be avoided at all costs?

I don't know. It's hard sometimes to feel how determined he is not to take any chances on this one.

Tonight we were supposed to talk but he's working late. I know he'll come home and tell me he's too tired to deal with anything.:(


Thanks for your prayer and the vote of confidence. Good to hear from you.


Congrats on the new blog.

"but remember the key to successful discussion is just about the timing.'

I know my sense of timing stinks. I will try to do better.


"I'm sure you will both feel better afterwards."

Yes I think the lack of sharing is making this harder on both of us that it needs to be.


"I've yet to meet an arab man that doesn't want his woman to be barefoot and pregnant the minute their married to prove his manhood. Thats pretty rare here in Arab land.."

You're right. I don't know if that's my good or bad luck really.

8/31/2006 01:23:00 AM  
Blogger Twosret said...

"Me : I want to have your baby very, very badly."

I really really hope he will understand how you feel soon.

8/31/2006 01:32:00 AM  
Blogger Safiya said...

Such a hard battle to have, as there are no compromises. I think he underestimates just how much you want this baby.

Maybe he still sees it as a grieving reaction, which is why he's not taking it seriously.

8/31/2006 02:24:00 AM  
Blogger Leilouta said...

sorry Loulou, I don’t know if it is a guy thing or what, but I wish my husband would also come to me and tell me that he wants to have kids with me and discuss those kind of subjects. He never does. I know that he loves me and I know that he would like to have kids with me, but I am already lazy and indecisive and I need him to encourage me and tell me that he wants it.

8/31/2006 03:59:00 AM  
Blogger N said...

Hmmm, didn't you mention before that he wanted to have them when you moved to Sweden?
Maybe he has a legitimate reason that would make sense to you, but doesn't want to admit to actually not wanting kids now thus not giving you his reason...

I guess you could try expressing that you don't mind waiting in concept and that would make him ease up and be honest...

Good luck girl.

8/31/2006 11:04:00 AM  
Blogger Herlock Sholmes said...

Never open this subject with your husband unless he does first. Never talk to your husband late at night when all he can think of is sleep.

In fact, never talk to your husband about this, at all, ever.

8/31/2006 11:11:00 AM  
Blogger Twosret said...


I understand the part about talking to him late at night might not be a good idea.

Not talking to her husband EVER about having children with him? he has to open the subject FIRST?

Can you explain more because you are not making sense.

8/31/2006 01:59:00 PM  
Blogger Jannah said...

Yea, please make sense!

msh ma32oola just opening and discussing the subject freely would be such a HARD TASK!

8/31/2006 02:21:00 PM  
Blogger 2 B || ! 2 B ® said...

Kol she2 bel 7’ena2, ma 3ada al 7agat dee bel 2etefa2 :)
And you have raised your case, so don’t nag about it, unless you are quite sure that you can get a satisfied reply :) and hopefully in the near future you agree on it, or may be you can also accomplish it ;)

Al sabr moufta7 al farag :)

8/31/2006 05:51:00 PM  
Blogger Nedra said...

Having kids is wonderful, but at the same time a HUGE HUGE change in your life. It's hectic, and can put a lot of stress on relationships. I think you should BOTH be ready and really want this before you go ahead.
You guys haven't been married for long. Hopefully you can agree on a time frame that's acceptable to you both for starting a family, and till then enjoy this DINK (dual income, no kids) stage while it lasts.
Good luck!

8/31/2006 09:27:00 PM  
Blogger Nedra said...

P.S. I wouldn't translate him taking extra precautions in birth control as a lack of trust.. it's just that birth control methods are not foolproof and you guys have not decided to try for kids just yet.
My husband and I often double up on birth control at certain times of the month.

8/31/2006 09:38:00 PM  
Blogger Twosret said...

I'm not trying to attack anyone's views, I'm talking based on my personal experience, I think there should have been a common understanding before marriage about children.

I never knew how the mother instinct is like, didn't know I had a strong one until my first born, I read Loulou and can understand how she feels. I agree that they both should be ready, but I couldn't also dismiss her feelings (from what she wrote) her urge to be a mother should be respected and considered not brushed off.

I look at my girls eyes and I see the world, the kind of love I get from them is not to be compared, and they are the best thing that ever happened to me after meeting their dad.

From what Loulou wrote I think K. is an awesome guy and very reasonable and loving. I really hope this topic will be discussed and agreed upon once and for all.

K. got a point about smoking, I think babies are a good motive to stop smoking completely.

8/31/2006 09:54:00 PM  
Blogger Jannah said...

"I look at my girls eyes and I see the world, the kind of love I get from them is not to be compared, and they are the best thing that ever happened to me after meeting their dad."

That's so sweet! God bless your children and may you live to see them as happy as they made you!

LOL so now I wanna be a mother too haha

9/01/2006 09:44:00 PM  

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