Complexity or Just Perversity?

Last night I was on the phone for 2 hours with a friend who is having problems in her otherwise happy marriage because her son has been diagnosed with autism & her husband is in denial & has become extremely difficult to handle. The poor girl feels as if she has 2 children on her hands both depending on her strength & no one to lean on.

Did my best & she thanked me so much for being a good friend that I felt a little guilty - like I didn't deserve her gratitude. Why?Because the whole time I was talking to her I couldn't wait to get off the phone so I can talk to K.

The truth is he's the only person I really feel like talking to these days. With everyone else, am only half-listening. Get so impatient too.Everything else that I do in my life feels like just filling in time until I can see him or talk to him. At work am easily distracted - always day-dreaming, thinking about what am going to wear & say & do when I see him, analyzing everything he says & does. With my family there is guilt that am hiding something from them & I only spend time with them out of a sense of duty & because I don't want them to start asking questions.

Infact am working very hard to act normal, to prove to everyone around me that am still the same. And am very sensitive to any comment that I changed. I don't even talk to my friends about him because I don't want to be teased. If it was just some crush I wouldn't care about being told am obssessed with him. I'd take it as a joke. But now if they say it it would feel like the truth & the truth always hurts I guess. So I don't want to hear it.

It's so hard to figure out exactly what am feeling. It's so complex. Am I happy?Yes & I think that's the problem. Am so happy it's making me feel guilty. Like I shouldn't be so happy when not everyone around me is. Like I shouldn't be spending so much time with him for my own pleasure.Like falling in love shouldn't take up so much of my energy & my attention that there's nothing left for other people. Am not used to being so self-centered.

Today after work I had to go to my uncle's house to help out because they're moving house.Everyone was there, my parents, my sister, my bro & my sister-in-law.We were packing & moving things & unpacking until 5:00pm & then my uncle ordered food & we all had lunch together. The kind of family get-together I normally enjoy a lot. But today I didn't. Was so resentful. Wanted to be with him. Was worried we'd ending up staying for dinner too & I wouldn't get to see him at all tonight.

Managed to get away about 6:45pm. Called him from downstairs infront of my uncle's house. He didn't pick up & he didn't call me back right away. So I took a cab back home. Had a shower & changed. When I came out of the shower I found 2 missed calls. So I called him. He called back right away. Asked him why he didn't pick up earlier & he said he was in the mosque. Then he said he missed me.

Instead of saying I missed him too I started going on about how we couldn't expect to see each other all the time because it wasn't practical because we both had lives etc...A little voice inside my head was screaming what are you doing?But I couldn't seem to stop talking & I know I sounded too aggressive. And he didn't interrupt me. He just let me finish. That's an irritating habit he has. He always lets me finish. I wish he'd interrupt me when am saying stupid things because it might make me stop.

Then he said he was really sorry. He hadn't realized he was crowding me so much. And he said that maybe because he had no family here & very few close friends he hadn't considered that my situation was different & that I had family & social obligations etc...Which of course made me feel like a monster. I hurt him & there he was being understanding. More guilt.

Then he said that maybe we should take a time-out tonight, that I must be tired working all day & then moving house. I asked him if he would call me tonight. He said that if I find that am not too tired & sleepy I should give him a missed call.

Great. All day I've been going crazy to see him & I blew it. I spent one hour frantically debating whether I should call him & tell him the truth. That it's really other people who are crowding me when all I want is to be with him. And that that scares me.

Did call in the end.But I didn't say any of that. Just asked him where he was. Could hear voices in the background. He said he was out with some friends & he asked me if I was ok. I said fine & that I just called to atamin 3laik. He told me not to worry & to get some rest. So I said bye. He didn't say ok 7abibi at the end of the call like he always does. Maybe because there were people around him. Or maybe he's mad at me.

All of a sudden I feel so tired. Like I want to go to bed & sleep & never get up again. In the morning I'll make it up to him. Right now I can't think anymore.