A conversation about evil with my husband and a friend of his has left me feeling unsettled. More than unsettled. Disturbed is a better word. Such conversations often have this effect on me.
Was going to post the conversation itself but decided not to. It's not really what was said that I need to deal with. It's my own response to this type of discussion that I find unsatisfactory. People often accuse me of arguing for the sake of argument. The two of them certainly did today. Whose side are you on, they kept asking.
The thing is I can see everyone's point. I can sympathize to some degree with any coherent argument. When someone else attacks your argument in a manner I think is unfair I can't help defending your position. I don't like unfairness. But defending both positions doesn't mean I accept either of them. That's the problem. What do I accept?Whose side am I on?What are my own convictions?I don't know. That's what am left with in the aftermath of such conversations. Am a lost soul.
Am I irrational?Sometimes I feel I lack intellect. When I reach a point in thinking that I believe will lead me to see something I don't want to see I just close the door. But the question remains in the back of my mind. And am always aware of all the closed doors. So whatever I believe in I never believe fully or passionately because I know it hasn't passed all the tests. And not being too attached to a personal point of view makes you open to all points of view. Open enough to appreciate the merits of their argument but not enough to accept it because I can also see the merits of too many counter-arguments. I can critique other people's thinking just as easily as I can defend it because I really do see both sides. There are too many good theories out there. There really are. Am so overdosed on theories.
Am not a complete ostrich though. When an unpleasant truth makes itself undeniable & doesn't go away I accept it but not without bitterness. I never seem to get past how horrible it is and how much I don't want it to be true to think about solutions. So people who accept it as a fait accompli & adopt a practical attitude to it kind of irritate me. Pragmatists irritate me. I respect them but they irritate me - even though I married one.
Don't know where all this is going to lead me. What I do know is that when I sit with people who have convictions that they're willing to defend passionately I feel left out.