People used to tell me that you should never tell your partner everything, that there is such a thing as white lies. And I used to say no my partner should be my soulmate, my other half, that if I can't tell him everything then he's not the right guy. The thing is I never had anyone that I could tell everything to. Always wondered what that would be like, to be totally open with another human being without fear of being judged or being misunderstood. It sounded really nice and comforting but too much to risk with anyone around me so I kind of procrastinated and told myself it could wait until I found The One. I figured it would be inevitable then. Couldn't imagine how you could share your life with someone and be so intimate and still keep secrets. With my future husband it would come naturally and seamlessly I said to myself. I wouldn't have to put any effort into it.
Well now I have no 'future husband'. The future is here, so to speak. He is it. And I do things without telling him. And I tell him lies. Lies by omission maybe but still lies. And what scares me is how natural and seamless and painless it was for me to do it.
Of course it was inevitable that he would catch me at some point. I suppose I should have expected that. We live together, we share too much. And he's a smart guy. I should have seen it coming.
But I didn't expect it. And I didn't expect his reaction. It's weird but he seems to blame himself for it. He keeps asking if am afraid of him and what he's done to make me feel I can't trust him enough to tell him etc....
It makes me feel guilty that he feels guilty because I lied. It was my fault. I want to say sorry and be forgiven and move on. Am not afraid of him. And it's not an issue of trusting him. It was a mixture of cowardice and laziness really. I held something back because I didn't want it to spoil a special and precious moment between us. And then I didn't want to bring it up later because I knew I'd get in trouble for not saying from the beginning. I just didn't want to deal with it. And then the longer I waited the harder it became to open the subject.
Now he keeps repeating that he loves me and that he will always try to understand etc....And I don't know what to say. That it's not that am afraid of him, that he's just a lot more fun when he's in a good mood so I try not to upset him if I don't absolutely have to?
Isn't it strange that I am the one who was caught lying but HE'S the one who is worried about losing my trust? I have to admit that I wasn't taking this very seriously to start with. It didn't seem like a very big deal. But the fact that he's so concerned about it is making me nervous. Now am wondering if this means we have an unhealthy relationship and agonizing over why I feel the need to keep things from him, if it means we're growing apart etc....
A part of me has grown very cynical and keeps telling me that I was too idealistic when I thought we could talk about everything, that I will need some privacy and so will he and there were will always be things that are better left unsaid. Marriage - even a happy, loving marriage - is not the monumental change I once thought it would be. There is no one that you can share everything with. You will always have to keep something for yourself. This part of me accepts that there might be things about him that I don't know and that despite that I can still trust him because no matter what he might be hiding I know he wouldn't betray me or stab me in the back and that's the most important thing.
So I can't find it in me to promise him that it won't happen again like he wants me to. It just doesn't seem very realistic to promise things like that anymore. But how do you say that?How do you ask someone to accept that there maybe times when you may have your reasons for not telling them the truth and yet you would not appreciate it if they didn't trust you anymore?